Meanderthal Man

2009-06-30T10:58:00.006-05:00

Terrorism By Any Other Name...
"They (conservative talk radio hosts) operate under a terrorist threat: 'You vote for revenue and your career is over.' I don't know why we allow that kind of terrorism to exist. I guess it's about free speech, but it's extremely unfair."
-Karen Bass (D-L.A.) Speaker of California's Assembly

I fear that we have rounded the bend on our way to total cultural degradation. We now live in a society of functioning retards, educated at major universities, elected to public office, but capable of arguments no greater than a pissy ten year-old. Terrorist is the new catchphrase of these doltish creatures, to describe all the big meanies who don't ascribe to their values. And they're not sure what all those words mean in the Constitution, because there are a lot of words in that thing, but they know that they don't like all that free speech stuff, because it's just unfair. I don't think I've ever heard the First Amendment described as "extremely unfair". The Reality-Challenged just know that when the FCC passes that Fairness Doctrine, we'll be able to shut all those big meanies up! YAY! And then, we'll all eat ice cream from unicorn's butts and dance on rainbows made from the sweat of a gay men's chorus and the world will only know hope and change.

2009-04-14T00:27:00.003-05:00

This is what it will be like someday.
I had to take mom to the emergency room tonight and there I sat for six hours, in hospital purgatory. They admitted her to keep an eye on a patch of cellulitis on her leg. I was drained when I got to her apartment and I forgot what was waiting for me on the other side of the door.

"This is what it will be like someday," he whispers in my ear as I stand frozen in the dark. I was twelve and she was in the hospital the last time he spoke these words to me. I couldn't stop crying and I never went back to our apartment until she came home. "This is what it will be like someday." I'm twelve again as I stand in her apartment and I can't reach the light switch because my hand weighs a thousand pounds. He makes me look at her things through sickening yellow street light. This is her life and I can see remnants of her everywhere, but she's nowhere to be found. There's only the absence of color and the absence of her incessant talking, punctuated by laughter. She never seems to stop talking, but tonight there's only him mocking me. "This is what it will be like someday." My throat is tightening and my eyes begin to burn. I slap at the wall until I'm blinded by fluorescent light and he is quiet.

I throw her things on the desk and dash back to the door as he stands in the corner, smiling at my back. I hear him calling after me as I put the key back into the lock, "This is what it will be like someday."

2009-04-11T02:49:00.006-05:00

New Independence Day
Here's my speech for the Nashville Tea Party on April 15, 2009. No, I'm not speaking, but if I were...

Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto said of the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor: "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve." I say to you, Mr. Obama, the sleeping giant has awoken again and he is filled with a terrible resolve. Blindsided by the threat of Socialism, disguising taxation without representation as stimulus, and betrayed by our legislative branch, yes, he is awake. You have our attention Mr. Obama and our resolve to cast you from your spurious throne of Socialism in the name of a new world order. If you would like to do the honorable thing and tender your resignation for your reprehensible assault upon our Constitution and the sovereignty of this nation, the American economy, and your treasonous behavior with our enemies in a time of war, please come to Nashville, Tennessee today, April 15, 2009 and witness America's New Independence Day. We're having a little Tea Party in your honor.

And to Mr. and Mrs. Congress, it might do you well to remember whom you serve and to whom you must ultimately answer. I'd begin updating your resumes, because come November 2, 2010, all of you are going to feel this recession first-hand, the same as we do, here on "Main Street".

I would, in conclusion, ask that you look around you right now at the faces of these patriots, these statesmen, and, dare I say it: your brothers and sisters in Christ, and encourage you with great forcefulness, as Peter admonished the Thessalonians, to "Pray wihout ceasing". This will only get worse before it gets better, but through our faith in both God and this Republic, we will become a stronger, wiser nation. Thank you and may God bless you.

2009-04-11T02:42:00.002-05:00

The more things change...
The more they stay the same. My son, Christian, found this 1934 political cartoon from The Chicago Tribune on Digg today. I was amused and absolutely speechless. I forget how long this battle against the ignorance of Socialism has been raging. We are just it's latest players.

2009-03-28T01:09:00.013-05:00

Back in the saddle again.
My wife was offered free ad space in a new country women's magazine and she needed to submit her ad design by next week. I haven't thought about designing anything in about four years, but this opportunity intrigued me. I've always loved trying to communicate a concept through different printed mediums. I'm always chasing the answer to: what motivates us to act in a particular manner? What makes us reach out to grasp at that particular bauble and not the other one? I've always found that it comes down to our predetermined social values: what is heroic, what is beautiful, in whom do we do we put our faith?

I approached the ad in the same manner. Ernie has a thousand great shots. She also shoots everything from senior portraits to band photos, but I wanted to find what strips everything down to her core beliefs in photography.

This ad was for Ladies of Country Music. I was thinking of women/ music/ bands/ headshots? I sketched seven or eight thumbnails for the layout, but everything felt messy and cluttered. I didn't find sufficient inspiration until I came across a model's photos, named Hunter. I've always loved that photo shoot and those photos triggered all my design beliefs that were buried under TiVo preferences and Napster playlists.

I love to design in "3's", have tons of white space, and use strong imagery. Marketing research has found that people are fascinated by concept of "3": the beginning, middle, and end. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, that sort of thing. Research has also estimated that the average magazine reader flips by an ad in less than one second. I prefer "idea words" and I hate clutter, so I always design to leave voluminous amounts of white space. The imagery is the bauble. I call it The Underwood Effect (similar to the Aniston Hair Effect of the 90's), because when you see it, you "want to go to there". If a woman sees a great shot of Carrie Underwood, they carry that mental image to a photographer and will always want them to reproduce it. The images of Hunter evoke, even in me, a desire to see that style of shoot reproduced over and over. It speaks to glamour and youth and beauty, and trigger that emotion which makes women say, "Make me look like that". I hope you enjoy it, I had fun making it.

2009-03-25T20:17:00.005-05:00

Oh Danny Boy!
Daniel Hannan, is an MEP for South East England. This is a speech he gave during Gordon Brown´s visit to the European Parliament on March 24, 2009. He has a blog: www.hannan.co.uk

Can we rent this guy in about a year? We'd just have to replace "Prime Minister" with "Barry POTUS". I really like this guy. Why does everything sound better in an English accent? Listen to that vocabulary, those amazing metaphors, and that delivery: bloody brilliant. And there's not a teleprompter in sight! So, he memorized that speech. People can do that? And no, I don't know what an MEP is, but I'm still looking.

2009-03-23T20:09:00.003-05:00

Just frigging craptastic.
I wrote a blog in January about how quickly Barry POTUS could run our country over the Socialist cliff in his first 100 days. He's proving to be a nightmare come true in just under 60 days.

The U.S. House of Representatives approved H.R. 1388, on March 18, 2009. It's a plan to set up a new "volunteer corps". Service will be mandatory for everyone older than an infant. There will be uniforms and school curriculum. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the programs involved in the plan are expected to be allocated $6 billion over the next five years.

My question: will we have to buy our own uniforms?

2009-03-20T09:16:00.005-05:00

Thank You, George.

Live and learn, Dirt People.

2009-03-18T20:01:00.004-05:00

The burning question
How are pirates made? The contacts were in the solution for four weeks, or was it two months? I just didn't want to have to wear the 3-D glasses over my eyeglasses. I ignored the milky run-off from the lens as I washed it.

"That can't be healthy," my brain said.
"Shut up brain, keep washing. We're in a hurry!" I said.
"Got a joke for you."
"Leave me alone, we're working."
"What does a pirate say?"
"Shut up brain." The contact touched my eye: "ARRRRRR."
"Exactly, dumbass."

My eye's still red and it still hurts to blink, but the build-up of eye goo has lessened.

2009-03-13T10:12:00.002-05:00

Hahahaaa...nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

2009-02-23T16:54:00.009-06:00

They're just missing capes.
My new heroes. And Santelli's from CNBC (Communist National Broadcasting Channel), go figure.

2009-02-18T20:59:00.009-06:00

The Frog and The Crazy Extremist Scorpion.
A crazy extremist scorpion walks up to the edge of a pond and sees a frog sitting on the bank. The crazy extremist scorpion asks the frog to give him a ride to the other side of the pond. "No," says the frog, "you'll sting me and we'll both drown." That's silly LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA," said the crazy extremist scorpion, "I would never do that! I want everyone to understand that we scorpions are as peaceful as everyone else LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!"

"Really, I gotta go." said the frog. "You besmirch my honor!" the crazy extremist scorpion said as he grabbed the frog, took out a kitchen knife, and cut off the frog's head.

"Every day on television we are barraged by stories of a 'Muslim extremist, militant, terrorist, or insurgent,' but the stories that are missing are the countless stories of Muslim tolerance, progress, diversity, service, and excellence that Bridges TV hopes to tell." -Muzzammi Hassan,
Founder, Bridges TV

Muzzammi Hassan founded Bridges TV Network to show America that Islam is a peaceful religion and that the average garden-variety Muslim is radically different from those who carried out the September 11 attacks. Muzz had talk shows, soap operas, and even cartoons to help the winning of the hearts and minds of the silly infidel dogs.

Muzz's attempt at concealing the Crazy worked right up until about February 6, when his wife served him with a restraining order and had him kicked out of their home.

"You have besmirched my honor!"

On February 12, police were called to the Bridges Network by Muzz. His wife's head had somehow detached itself from her body. Muzz has since confessed and has been charged with second-degree murder.

"...the stories that are missing are the countless stories of Muslim tolerance, progress, diversity, service and excellence."

I'm going with: "BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY."

2009-02-11T20:11:00.003-06:00

H.R. Love & Stuff
My Valentines Day mix, to me.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes...The Platters
My Prayer...The Platters
Only You...The Platters
Twilight Time...The Platters
The Very Thought Of You...Nat King Cole
Unforgettable...Nat King Cole
L-O-V-E...Nat King Cole
Sweet Pea...Amos Lee
I've Got You Under My Skin...Michael Buble
I've Got The World On A String...Michael Buble
You Don't Know Me...Michael Buble
And I Love Her...The Beatles
Till There Was You...The Beatles

2009-02-09T21:06:00.008-06:00

I can't argue with his logic.
My son's status on facebook was listed as:

Christian Passwaters is excited for Pride & Prejudice &
Zombies to come out!
http://tinyurl.com/bmtgcu
about an hour ago

Shawn 7:32
You're excited about a Jane Austen
novel to be turned a MOVIE!?!
Really.

Christian 7:33
Haha it's not a movie. It's essentially
Pride & Prejudice with added scenes of
zombies.

Shawn 7:33
Yeah i just saw that. Creepy.

Christian 7:35
It would be the only way I'd read a Jane
Austen book. Zombies make everything
better.

2009-02-07T23:37:00.012-06:00

POTUS Operandi.
"Hope over fear." -Barry POTUS

"if we don't move swiftly to put this plan in motion, our economic crisis could become a national catastrophe." -Barry POTUS, weekly address, February 07, 2009 talking about getting the new $825 billion stimulus plan passed

Ouch. We went from Hope & Change to "national catastrophe" in less than less than three weeks? That has got to be a record. But at least he's going to change the way politics are handled in Washington.

"...a new higher standard of accountability, transparency and oversight. We are going to ban all earmarks, the process by which individual members insert projects without review." -Barry POTUS, Tues., Jan. 6, 2009 Associated Press interview as reported by msnbc.com on $775 billion stimulus plan

Yes! That is some change I can buy into at least, if I were a socialist. Wait, what did he just say?

"When was the last time that we saw a bill of this magnitude move out with no earmarks in it? Not one." -Barry POTUS, February 6, 2009 as reported by Charles Babington, Associated Press Writer Friday, to get the NEW $825 billion stimulus plan passed (it did get passed)

Oh dang Barry, back to politics as usual? Say it ain't so Joe! And there's never been a bill passed of this magnitude, except for the one you wanted driven through under the Bush Administration so you wouldn't have over a trillion dollars on your hands alone in your first three weeks as POTUS. Good idea Barry, spread the wealth around. And I'm loving the way you're rocking that Joe Camel look. Smooth.

2009-02-06T23:47:00.006-06:00

Devouring These.
It’s hard to put these books down right now. I've got the reading/writing bug. It's odd to say that I'm reading a manual of style for fun, but it comes highly recommended by Stephen King as "not being a bunch of bullshit." How can I not read that, when he sums it up so eloquently. I've been denying this part of me that wants to become a writer for, um, a lifetime. I wonder if this is what it feels like to come out of the closet: "Honey? I have to confess to you. I'm a writer. I've had these tendencies my entire life and I can't hold them in any longer." Yeah, that was liberating. Release the hounds!

2009-02-03T00:28:00.010-06:00

Irony Served Rich & Delicious.
"If Sarah Palin isn't enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention. Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don't care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through." -Rep. Alcee L Hastings, D-Fla., September 24, 2008, ABC News interview

So what has Alcee been up to since making that quirky little statement? Well recently, he introduced a new bill, H.R 645 calling for the secretary of homeland security to establish no fewer than six national emergency centers for corralling civilians on military installations. The bill also appears to expand the president's emergency power, much as the executive order signed by President Bush on May 9, 2007. That bill gave the president the authority to declare an emergency and take over the direction of all federal, state, local, territorial and tribal governments without even consulting Congress.

Did you catch that last part? He won't have to consult Congress. The broad specifications of the bill's language, however, contribute to concern that the "national emergency" purpose could be utilized by the secretary of homeland security to include any kind of situation the government wants to contain or otherwise control.

In summation: kinda crazy black guy makes racially/culturally charged statement against a white chick saying her type of people won't care what they'd do to Jews and blacks. Then, introduces a bill, which calls for the creation of no less than six "national emergency centers" on military installations. Could these centers also be used as detention camp? If we're all about closing Gitmo, why would we need temporary detention centers? Who are we filling these things with and why would you need them on military bases? Did you see this on the news? Of course you didn't because they're all about bringing people together...and then throwing them in internment camps. It's coming kids. I really hope you like Orwell.

2009-01-30T02:54:00.021-06:00

The First 100 Days
Every president has a rough idea of what they'd like to accomplish in their first 100 days in office. It sort of sets the tone for the following four years and shows the American people what we can expect from the oval office in the way of policy. I had no myopic fantasy that John McCain was ever gonna win that race, so I started brainstorming around August of last year what exactly a Marxist socialist could do in a 100 days to a democratic republic, based on laws and a free market economy. I started jotting down things and looking up quotes. Then, I lost the frigging list and didn't find it again until today, and Holy Schmaholies! A lot of the predictions are already humming right along! I wish I could have started wagering a little in Vegas, because I may as well have some fun and make some cash on the side while we're hurtling towards a dictatorship! I also hadn't put these in any particular order, but I feel like I've let you down by not publishing these sooner. My apologies!

1. Abolish all current immigration laws
"You know where I’m going because you know where I been. I stood up for the issues you care about. Instead of worrying about whether immigrants can learn English, you need to worry about whether your child can learn Spanish." -Barry, July 13, 2008 National Council of La Raza meeting

"Know where I been"? He attended Harvard Law. "Know where I been"? Barry thinks he needs to build his Street Cred before he releases his first CD?

But the general idea is: Release The Floodgates! To borrow a phrase from The '09 Block Party D.C. Edition last week, "Black will no longer have to get on back and Brown can stick around." Aaw shiznit.

2. Nationalize Health Care
This is gonna take a lot to make it happen. Barry's gonna need, psssh...like a TRILLION dollars to make it work and...waaaait a minute. This may be closer to reality than we think! If we can't figure out with this plan how we can bankrupt the country by jacking up everyone's taxes, and driving them into the arms of government-dependent socialism, nothing will. Dare to dream Barry! Dare to dream!

3. Screw it! Nationalize EVERYTHING: Auto, Steel, Health, Banking, Coal, Petroleum, AND Electricity
This must be what it's like to win at Monopoly! Barry's gonna need a goatee, a top hat, and a monacle before this is all over!

"You must be the Monopoly Guy!" -Ace Ventura

"Under my plan of a cap and trade system, electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket even, regardless of whether I say coal is good or bad…" -Barry, radio interview

"So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can. It's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted." -Barry, same radio interview

"This liberal will be about socializing … uh, um, would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies." -Maxine Waters (D) CA, May 23, 2008 Congressional hearing with Shell Oil wanting a guarantee of lower gas prices

4. Create a private army. Okay fine, Civilian National Security Force. Tomato-Tuhmahto.
"We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded." -Barry, July 2, 2008, Colorado Springs, CO

Every future dictatorship needs one, but remember Barry: baby steps. Don't keep bringing it up all the time. People will start paying attention. Focus everyone on the economy and keep throwing Bush's name in there to focus their anger somewhere. And then, just start quietly assembling and recruiting. I'd start with the prisons first. Lotta prime candidates in those places. Also try the inner cities. Lotta disgruntled recruits that'd like to see some "change" take place. Asa lama lakum mah brothah.

"Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny." -Thomas Jefferson

5. Abolish the 2nd Amendment
The day after Barry was elected, gun sales went up 400%. You can't buy that kind of publicity! This one probably needs to be number four. You need to castrate the masses first, before introducing the oppressors. Don't need anybody getting all froggy and thinking they should fight back or start some sort of revolution.

6. Abolish the 22nd Amendment
Term limitations are for pussies! This man has a frigging vision people. Eight years won't be enough for this stud! We need him to guide us out this crazy mess called a democratic republic. We are apparently too frigging lazy to care about the direction of this country. Let someone take the wheel who cares about how we can be ruled. The nice thing is, is that he had people working on getting this repealed before he even took the oath of office. Vision people: get some.

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." -Thomas Jefferson

7. Screw it! Throw out that stupid Constitution and start OVER.
"I think we can say that the Constitution reflected the enormous blindspot in this culture that carries on until this day. And that the framers had that same blindspot. I don’t think the two views are contradictory to say that it was a remarkable political document that paved the way for where we are now and to say that it also it also reflected the fundamental flaw of this country that continues to this day." -Barry, 2001 Chicago Public Radio interview

8. Sell Israel down the river and become Pro-Palestinian
His first official interview as President of the United States is on Al-Arabiya Network addressing the Muslim nations and, gee, Hamas, Al Qaeda, and Hezbollah. Just letting them know he's just like them. "I have lived in Muslim countries. I have Muslim members in my family." Really Barry? You weren't throwing that fact around too much while on the campaign trail. And added later, "There are Israelis who recognize that it is important to achieve peace. They will be willing to make sacrifices if the time is appropriate and if there is serious partnership on the other side."

Oh, and here's the sacrifice: The Saudi Peace Agreement. It restores the pre-1967 borders and splits Jerusalem down the middle. What could be so bad about that you ask? It's one of those The End Is Fucking Nigh kind of Apocalyptical moments, that's all. You can put your head back in the sand now and pretend I just didn't even say this one. Post-Modern Christians don't even believe in this kind of stuff anymore.

9. Drive-Thru Abortion Clinics (This was his first official act!)
You know you're stepping in it when you can make The Vatican come out against you as a world leader. "Among the many good things that he could have done, Barack Obama instead chose the worst," said Monsignor Elio Sgreccia, a top official with the Vatican's Pontifical Academy for Life. "If this is one of President Obama's first acts, I have to say, in all due respect, that we're heading quickly toward disappointment," said Monsignor Rino Fisichella, who heads the Academy. They were referring to something called unofficially, The Mexico City policy. What's that? Time Magazine summarizes it pretty well.

According to Time Magazine: "On the day after the 36th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision, President Barak Obama repealed a Reagan-era policy that prohibited foreign nongovernmental family-planning groups from receiving U.S. funds if they provided abortions or even lobbied for abortion rights in their country."And then there's the brilliant Freedom of Choice Act.

Let's say you're a 15 year-old girl and the Winter Formal is coming next month, but you got knocked up. That perfect dress is getting a little snug? No problem! Don't worry about bothering your parents with all those details or asking permission and facing their judgmental stares. Now, you can just walk in and get an abortion! But wait, there's more!

You're a young on-the-go professional and you've just been offered your dream promotion. Dang it, hold on...you're in your 3rd trimester! That thing will be here any moment and then there's maternity leave, daycare issues, and lactating. Gah. That's so unprofessional! Wait! There's no cut-off on terminating those pesky pregnancies now! Ka-CHING. Don't worry about all the future health complications or what the procedure for a partial-birth abortion entails. You're gonna count back from a hundred and when you wake up that problem will have taken care of itself. Thanks Barry! We've just been FOCA'd over!

10. Close Gitmo!
This was his second official act, but they said it was his first, because no one wants to talk about his real first official act...abortion is a dooownerrr :(

Why wouldn't he close Gitmo? "I've lived in Muslim countries. I have Muslim members in my family." It's really awkward during the holidays, lemme tell ya! So terrorists are just Muslims that need a hug! Internment is no place for them. We'll need to put them someplace more comfy, like minimum-security prisons in our own backyard. Wait, all the experts think that they'll be shanked in the first 24 hours if they're released into General Population. Dang it, then we're gonna have to put them in Solitary Confinement. But that means they'll spend 23 hours a day by themselves and allowed out only one hour a day, and on top of that, they'll have to spend all their time alone and be rationed the least amount of calories possible to keep them alive. Hold on, I'm starting to like this wacky idea! No one understands that the whole torture/humiliating photo thing was like FIVE years ago.

They have The Red Cross, religious services, a sense of community, three square meals a day, and civil law attorneys there now, but don't tell anyone. I'm starting to warm to closing Gitmo. Not to mention, their own countries don't want them back and it's gonna take another year or two before we find a place for all these crazies. You can sign all the papers you want for the cameras Barry, but anyone with half a brain knows how long this logistical nightmare is going to take to straighten out. Please, the military is involved; this could take years.

"I won. I'm the president!" -Barry, January 26, 2009, reminding the House of Representatives, and apparently himself, who he was

2009-01-29T21:01:00.007-06:00

Snow Day #4: The Little Things
I was starting to feel useless today. I've had six days off, including the weekend, because of weather and our office move. I still haven't written the greatest novel ever written, nor have I found a cure for cancer, but they're both on my to-do list. I wound up refilling the hand soap dispenser, cleaning my refrigerator, and taking a shower. Strangely, accomplishing these small tasks still made me feel like I had contributed to the sanctity of the universe.

If someone should visit and need to use our restroom, he will find soap at the press of a button. I've run into my fair share of empty hand soap dispensers in private residences and businesses and it's just plain disconcerting and off-putting. What kind of person doesn't see basic hygiene or the comfort of their guest as a priority? It's a cornerstone of a civilized society, a silent agreement we share in our culture, which says, "I've just washed my hands after using the restroom, so you won't have to touch my genitalia." It's an issue of common decency and respect to me.

I cleaned my fridge because it looked as if it had shat itself down the back wall. Every time I opened the door, I imagined the refrigerator looking away awkwardly, embarrassed. It believed it was just going to fart, but it had forgotten it had just eaten Chinese food and Chinese never "agreed" with the refrigerator. I would vindicate the honor of this magnificent beast of burden. It chills my Diet Mountain Dew to perfection and magically crushes my ice just the way I like it without nary a whir or click of protest. I just wished I had done it earlier considering the Beef & Broccoli Debacle had occurred some time around Thanksgiving of last year. I am a benevolent dictator, not necessarily a timely one.

And lastly, the shower: overdue if not just necessary for a full-grown adult male. My son has a couple of female acquaintances and they become braggadocios, to bolster their 'Street Cred' amongst their male peers, and proclaim that they sometimes don't shower for up to three days on long weekends. I liken a teenage girl not showering for three days to a kitten: if you picked either of them up after three days, they'd both still smell like "kitten" and freshly washed bed linen. If I don't shower for three days, I have the carbon footprint of a small African village, which allows their livestock to live in their huts with the family. There are barnacles and mattes of hair, and only razors and the discretionary use wood chisels will remedy this abominable lack of hygiene.

I don't know where the rest of my day will carry me, or what stupendous act of contrition I shall perform for the betterment of all mankind, but I know it shall be with clean hands, an appropriately chilled beverage, and clean heart. Good day to you gentlepeople.

2009-01-28T20:49:00.008-06:00

Nice.

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." -Liam Neeson, Taken

This Friday, everywhere. I can't wait.

2009-01-25T17:19:00.014-06:00

Obsession.
[uhb-sesh-uhn] 1505–15; L. obsessiōn- (s. of obsessiō) -noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

I've lost two weeks of my life and I really don't care. I wasn't doing too much with it anyways. In it's place, I lived a life of amazing adventure and heroic deeds. I bought the world and became a king. What did you do?

2009-01-23T15:44:00.007-06:00

Under The Heading
"Discretion is the better part of valor": Covenant School, a private Christian school defeated their cross-town Dallas rivals, Dallas Academy, 100-0 in a recent high school girls basketball game. A parent who attended the game told an AP reporter that Covenant continued to make 3-pointers, even in the fourth quarter. "I think the bad judgement was in the full-court press and the 3-point shots." HAHAHAahahahaaaaa...ya think? They needed to FULL-COURT PRESS this team?

Dallas Academy is a private school that focuses on teaching students struggling with learning issues such as ADD and dyslexia. There's about 20 girls in the entire school and 12 of them play on the team. Boo Covenant, booo.

"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words." -St.Francis of Assisi

2009-01-22T20:55:00.006-06:00

Grassroots
"Itatemuhmoney". The phrase caught my attention as I was leaving the gas station and I froze. She said it again before my hand touched the door handle and I almost laughed out loud. "Itatemuhmoney." I knew that it was the black woman in the over-sized satin jacket speaking to the woman behind the counter, because I had seen her when I first entered the establishment.

I had heard this phrase at the bowling alley a week before, but it was much more indignant a tone. The guy behind the counter kept saying the same thing, "There's no refunds. It's posted everywhere. It's policy." Another black woman in an equally over-sized satin jacket, three children in tow, brooding boyfriend hovering menacingly, nodding in agreement to her assertions. She repeated her mantra over and over louder and angrier, "Itatemuhmoney, ItAteMuhMoney, ITATEMUHMONEY." Nothing was resolved, and they wouldn't give her back her dollar. I just wanted to buy another game, but instead I had a flashback to summers filled with Big Red, baloney sandwiches, and the smell of sweaty gymnasiums.

The Boys Club of America in Bryan, Texas in the mid-seventies was black. Black as in: me, another white kid and two Mexican kids were the only non-blacks in a population of about 100 kids who went there to escape the oppression of one hundred degree Texas summers and nagging parents. I learned how to play pool, foosball, and what a prison feeder program could look like if run correctly. No one was ever shanked, but my head was aways on a swivel in that place. Everyone seemed to have an angle and the best one was always, "Itatemuhmoney." Pretend to insert quarter, press a few buttons, find the proprietor, and then begin the mantra until they relinquish you a quarter that you never had in the first place. Socialism at a grassroots level is an education that lasts a lifetime, because I heard it again today on the radio.

If I close my eyes I can hear President Barry beseeching the senate and the house: "itatemuhmoney, itatemuhmoney, itatemuhmoney...".

2009-01-04T02:59:00.008-06:00

Thank you Bill for sharing.
Caught this guy on Comedy Network the other night. I TiVo'd it but they're not showing it again. Dang. We share the same social views on population control and the Jimmy The Greek Moments and small talk with Hitler had me on the floor. On You Tube, it's "Bill Burr: Why Do I Do This?". Hi-lair-ee-ose. Oh yeah, for the genius set: don't watch this at work. It's the unrated version.

2008-12-29T23:31:00.008-06:00

On The Button.
Saw The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button Sunday night. Breathtaking. Poignant. Classic. I'd recommend it to everyone. Directed by David Fincher (Zodiac, Fight Club, Se7en). I'm in love. It's epic. Go. Now. And we'll discuss the seven lightning strikes later.

2008-12-28T01:31:00.006-06:00

Daddy want.
I loved my tricycle as a four-year old. It was my horse, my Mach 5, or my rocket to the moon. It took me to far away lands and allowed me to escape screaming parents telling me to slow down or grandma with her switch. My next freedom was the first time my neighbor taught me how to ride his bicycle when I was eight years old. The world became bigger that day and I pushed my boundaries to the length of an entire alley. I thought I could fly.

Nothing has ever come close to those two events in my life until I saw this contraption and watched how it swayed, carving back and forth, hypnotizing me.

It is skateboarding, inline skating, and skiing, with handlebars. It is bicycling without the incredibly sore ass and slipping chain. It sways. I love to swaaaaay. I think I will learn to fly again.

2008-12-26T00:29:00.006-06:00

My Ten Favorite Movies of 2008
1. Iron Man- Robert Downey Jr., best role of his life (screw Chaplin), best superhero movie ever, hands-down.
2. Cloverfield- disembodied head of the Statue of Liberty, flea monsters, indestructible space monster. Everything I've ever wanted in a movie. I yearn for Cloverfield II and it will never happen and that makes this movie even more perfect.
3. Kung Fu Panda- I love cartoons, kung fu, and sometimes, Jack Black. This is one of those times.
4. The Dark Knight- you don't get the number one spot on my list just because you die. Sorry Heath. But I loooved the Disappearing Pencil Trick.
5. Wall-E- how can you love a movie about robots, yet I did. And boneless fat people? Aren't we already there?
6. Quantum of Solace- still my favorite interpretation of Bond. Daniel Craig as Bond couldn't write on a Post-It note without getting a black eye. Love him.
7. Leatherheads- I love George and that 30s witty banter and slapstick comedy. Zellweger still looks like a foot, but she's got moxie.
8. Rambo- people hated this movie. I loved it. It was my favorite horror movie of the year. What? It wasn't a horror movie? Really?
9. The Fall- I've seen it, read the IMDB description, and I still get lost in the beauty of this movie. It's as simple as a guy telling a little girl a story, but it becomes so much more so quickly. And it has that guy from Pushing Daisies. I like him. If you haven't seen this movie, run out and rent it. This is the only movie on the list that I would recommend to everyone.
10. Redbelt- one of my favorite unknown actors, jujitsu, and idealistic integrity. It made my heart swell. This movie surprised me as much as 2002's Equilibrium, with Christian Bale.

Honorable Mentions
Forgetting Sarah Marshall- best quote from a movie in 2009: "Let me just say that if God was a city planner He would not put a playground next to a sewage system!."
Pineapple Express- Best stoner movie in quite. a. while. And about half-way through, it turns into an action flick with Seth Rogan performing a Superfly Splash, made famous by Jimmy Snuka.
Bolt- saw it on a whim, didn't expect too much and LOVED it. Odd to hear myself say it, but I especially loved how it was directed.

Some Of The Others That I Still Want To See
The Wrestler
Defiance
Australia
The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button
The Spirit
There Will Be Blood
Slumdog Millionaire

2008-12-05T21:40:00.009-06:00

My Doppelgangers?

People have always had a certain compulsion when they meet me to tell me whom they believe I look like, regardless of how unflattering, arbitrary, or uncomfortable it makes everyone feel afterwards. I can’t explain it but I think it’s just that basic human need to name the unknown. I am their son’s best friend who’s the local sheriff. I’m their home healthcare nurse who moved to Memphis. I’m a superhero, a cartoon character, or a soap opera star but I’m always someone to about 70% of the people I meet. A distinction I’ve noticed is that females tend to believe they are being complimentary and men use this as a means of being a douche bag.

Superman
I get this a lot from females, but I’m thinking that they mean Clark Kent when they say this, only because we’re both tall and dark, wear glasses, and behave awkwardly in social situations.
Vincent D’Onofrio
I was in boot camp when Full Metal Jacket came out. I guess all fat guys with shaved heads look reasonably similar? And then I recently got dubbed with this one again by a few Law & Order fans. I mentioned this to my wife and she seemed insulted for me. I do still love his acting.
The Terminator
I had a long flat top for most of my hitch in the Marine Corps and through some of my adult life. I got that one a lot just for the cultural phenomenon of the movie during that period I think.
Fred Flintstone
I wish I had this guy’s 5 o’clock shadow. That would just be Fun With Facial Hair Day every stinking day! Plus, he’s a bowler and I do enjoy a day at the lanes.
Bluto
Popeye’s arch-nemesis: I don’t mind the comparison, but I never really liked his attitude. I always cheered for Popeye.
Dean Cain
The actor from the live-action Superman TV show back in the 90s. I’ve seen recent pictures and he’s really let himself go. Now we look similar.

2008-08-27T23:52:00.002-05:00

That's What She Said, also

"You gotta hit this, we're on a schedule."
Stephanie Phillips, said on a bowling night, in a moment of nearing curfew

2008-08-27T23:46:00.002-05:00

Is This Irony?
Farted in my car while driving down a highway. Flailing desperately to get the windows open, I didn't know that the high-walled semi-trailer in front of me was carrying about eight million pounds of manure under it's pretty blue tarpaulin. Flailing once more, but this time to reverse the windows, I didn't stop to think at this point I had trapped myself in a cabin full of the most rancid manure I've ever smelled and my meager little fart.

I think I just answered my own question: while this is ironically funny, the humor of the scenario falls more under the category of "Perspective".

2008-08-27T23:39:00.002-05:00

That's What She Said

"I'm trying to keep this up without using my hands."
-Christian Passwaters, while putting away groceries

2008-08-27T23:29:00.003-05:00

[Blanching, he turns slowly]

"A woman can't lead this country and there sure ain't no nigger smart enough to be president."
-A comment made by a customer while we watched excerpts from the DNC

2008-08-27T23:20:00.005-05:00

It's Funny Because It's True
In the spirit of misanthropy, I want to make a T-shirt that says:

I'm farting right now.

2008-08-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

I call it The Two-Hour Sleeper
My wife got in my car last week and noted, "It smells like rotten fruit in here". I shrugged, "I ate an apple in here earlier this week. It may have rolled under the seat".

2008-08-20T08:45:00.001-05:00

dumbass.

"Toby Keith says he's a Democrat and is impressed by the senator from Illinois. He describes Obama as "the best Democratic candidate we've had since Bill Clinton.""

WHAT? Toby is a democrat? Mr. "Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue" is a Democrat?!?

You are totally getting taken off my MP3 player, dumbass.

Next.

2008-08-20T08:27:00.003-05:00

Grandma Was a Pragmatist II
Sorry I was away so long, I rediscovered my guitar and singiiiing AND THE OLYMPICS ARE ON. WOOOOOO!!! My set list:

Honkytonkin', Hank Williams
Honky Tonk Blues, Hank Williams
Hey Good Lookin', Hank Williams
Swinging Doors, Merle Haggard
Love Me Tender, Elvis Presley
Oh Lonesome Me, Don Gibson

These are all songs from my childhood and I cherish all of them. In my pursuit to find all the lyrics and chords (and singiiing), I totally forgot about the answer to the colloquialism:

"Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

We must remember grandma was a pragmatist and I was, and pretty much still am, a dreamer. She was saying that it really doesn't matter if you shit in your hand OR put all your wishes in the other hand, they're both of equal value: nothing. It's not until you choose to DO something with your hopes and dreams that you will find a modicum of happiness. You're pretty friggin' hardcore if you're sayin that to a child. That's why I always liked grandma.

2008-08-09T23:49:00.005-05:00

Grandma Was A Pragmatist
My sister and I were unwittingly spoiled little dreamers living in a magical time called the 70's. Grandma Dodson was all of five feet tall and 95 pounds and was born in the early 1900's. My sister and I played in sprinklers and rollerskated as children. Grandma picked cotton throughout her childhood. Her birthday present every year was to get two feet sewn onto her cotton picking bag. It lent her a tad more perspective. We were probably annoyingly whiney little creatures when we'd say things like, "Grandmaaa, I wish weee had bicycles." Grandma would just look at us and say:

"Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I am still a dreamer and a dumbass. It took me 30 years to figure out what the hell she was implying. I'll even give you a shot at this adorable colloquialism. You've got one day to give your best interpretation: discuss.

Oh yeah, thanks grandma.

2008-08-05T23:44:00.003-05:00

Why Does My Eye Burn?
Krystal's after bowling Saturday night was too neon, fluorescent, and cold for a hot summer night. The nose pieces on the glasses I was wearing were definitely too small, thin, and sharp. I might have been talking too loudly and the hand gestures which concluded my yarn were definitely too violent. Also, there may have been beer involved in some capacity.

2008-08-04T11:11:00.005-05:00

Guy Rule #2
Flipping through ESPN magazine this morning. I know. I am not a huge sports fan, but I LOVE ESPN magazine. It's huge and shiny, has great writing, and thousands of pictures! This particular rant isn't even against them, it's against a "look". The second biggest blight on America, K-Fed, was used as an example of bad baseball cap etiquette.

Maybe he was just raised in a single-parent home with no male role model or never played a sport, but c'mon! It's not even the fact that he leaves the brim of his hat completely flat, which was accurately described as a "Man-Bonnet". He tucks his friggin' EARS inside his cap! It is probably my second greatest pet peeve amongst Guys across the world.

Not unless you're a five year-old wearing your dad's cap, a cancer patient, or a girl should you EVER tuck your ears inside of your baseball cap. It makes it more tolerable if you're a five year-old girl who has cancer, but not much. Ignorance of cap etiquette is no excuse for breaking cap etiquette.

Guy Rule #2: Thou shalt not tuck thine ears into thine baseball cap.

GR#2 (a.) Although, the arching of thine brim is hereby governed by socio-economic and regional preferences and traditions (but if you wanna look like you're wearing a bonnet, knock thine own self out).

2008-07-31T02:12:00.001-05:00

Vacation, Day 6 of 10
Watched movies all day, worked out, and went bowling. Bowling was a mistake. Elbow and right ass cheek (just the right one) was too sore from dollar bowling night (seven games on Day 4). But the movies were fun.
Never Back Down [5.3 outta 10]
UFC meets Karate Kid. A younger, taller Tom Cruise. Great fight scenes.
Drillbit Taylor [4 outtta 10]
Owen Wilson as a homeless guy faking at being a bodyguard protecting nerdy high school freshmen. Predictable, cute, and Owens' material is sadly played out.
Harold & Kumar II [4 outta 10]
Way too much nudity (never thought I'd say that), not enough NPH, and I keep forgetting it's just a newer version of every prior stoner movie with semi-pretentious social statements.
Super High Me [5 outta 10]
A comedian does his own version of Supersize Me. Gotta say that it was interesting to me. I really liked it. We're at an interesting sociological period in American history. This subject (legalization)fascinates me like UFOs and Bigfoot.
The Ruins [7 outta 10]
Holy crap! This scared the snot outta me AND grossed me out! Kudos! If you're a horror fan, DEFINITELY rent this one. Mexico, college students, curses, broken backs: good times.

2008-07-29T01:11:00.009-05:00

Restraining Order
I've started obsessing over golf again in that special way that only I can become transfixed on something. Golf wants to take out a restraining order on me and make me maintain a distance of 500 yards, but she can't because she's as fixated on me as I am on her. Golf doesn't care that I practice my chipping and putting for three hours at least three days a week. Golf loves that I've given up tennis and bowling just to be with her. In Golf's honor I've started a...cult. They are my children. They will do what I tell them to honor The Golf. I love them, I will help them fly. I will help set them free to achieve their oneness with The Golf.

2007-10-16T23:21:00.001-05:00

Runnin' With The Devil
Mullets Seen: 25
Rat Tails Seen: 5
Men Still Living With Their Parents: at least half of those in attendance

Eddie and Dave reunited. Two solid hours of every hit ever to come forth from the most epic band to ever rock the face of the Earth. I had my doubts: Indianapolis is three and a half hours away, it'll be a class reunion 80's losers, and they're not gonna rock anymore. I was so wrong. They rocked my face off, I was emotionally spent at the end of the night. Dave's vocals were strong and he was a team player. Eddie's playing was legendary and I don't care what anyone says, Eddie's kid Wolfgang held his own onstage with the legends of rock.

The crowd was an 80's reunion of losers, but what I had underestimated was how much they'd entertain me. The star of the night was Fat Travis Tritt. By the end of his alcohol-poisoned night he was just Fat Trav to us and much beloved. We just kept waiting to see his snake skin boots flip over the balcony plexi-glass and disappear into the darkness of the mulleted masses. It never happened and I gotta say we felt kinda cheated.

Harsh words were exchanged in the parking lot when I boxed out a carload of 80's losers to let our car back out. Our church's youth pastor was driving so I didn't even respond with my preferred profanity. Instead I politely responded, "If your momma would'a raised you right, we wouldn't be having this conversation." Somehow this one statment emotionally broke this man and and he just looked at me with a sad, imploring expression and said, "Don't bring my momma into this." And I could hear Ernie say, Oh my gosh, you almost made that man cry." mmm...good times.

2007-09-26T21:09:00.000-05:00

That Boy Just Ain't Right
Got a Wild Hair yesterday and started obsessing over cowboy boots. I ended up drooling over a pair of Justin Roper Basics, because of price and sizes ($65 and made for Duck Feet). I had time today, so I ran into a Tractor Supply Warehouse just to see if they had a pair. That's a real chain store here and very popular despite your snickering. I felt like a little kid at Christmas when I found a pair that fit. I slid on both boots, stood up, looked down, and said aloud, "Hank Hill".

As I put the box back onto the shelf I wondered if my best Boot Days were behind me. They were aesthetically hideous, chafed my calves, and completely changed my gait. It wasn't that it was a poignant moment (though it was), it was just another Adult Moment, when reality heart punches your expectations.

2007-09-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

Way To Go Einstein
In an August 27, 2007 article of TIME, called The Genius Problem an interesting statistic was cited: "U.S. schools spend $8 billion dollars on the mentally retarded and just 10% of that on the gifted."

I always think that our nation could use a few more physicists or another bioengineer, but we need eight billion dollars worth of retards? Do they have special psionic powers and the military has taught them to kill with their minds? Did no one one glance at the annual budget when they were ordering the year's supply of short buses? I have questions and that article only brought up more questions.

So, we see no value in the future of our nation to develop the greatest minds of our time. Instead, we want a kid who will probably never contribute anything to society and spend eight billion dollars on his education for him to look at a picture of a dog and say, "monkey."

"I Love Those Retards"- Matt Dillon, There's Something About Mary

2007-09-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

Conflicted
I want my hair to grow my hair back out, but I was rubbing my head and it's like having a puppy on my head. And I don't have to pick crap up in the morning.

2007-09-20T00:24:00.000-05:00

Snake Oil
It's called DHT (Dihydrotestosterone). It's a form of male testosterone. A bad kind. Stupid bad testosterone. It goes to the scalp and weakens and eventually kills the hair follicles. It happens at a certain time in most men's life and diet, stress, health, and age are all contributing factors. Dear Lord, I'm batting a thousand on all of those factors and Ta-daaaaa...hair falling out of my head by the handfuls. That's what I need at this point in my life: to be The Old, Fat, Creepy Friggin' Doll Hair Guy. Mmmm...and the confidence just continues to launch itself into the atmosphere.

Then came the hours of research. Okay, "hour" of research. I am such a lazy bastard, even when my hair is at stake. I loathe me. Anywho's, went to GNC. She had nothing, but her son used something he got from Eckerd Drugs. Huh. Eckerd Drugs? Sure what the hell. They actually have a pill called DHT Blocker. Can't get any more obvious than that. And a snake oil called NuHair Growth that I RUB ON MY HEAD. What is this, the 1920's? Yeah, I bought it. And I rubbed. And took the pills religiously.

Four months later, my hair is back. I still keep it short, but up until last week, it was 107 degrees, so it was working for me. Ernie likes it, the clients don't care, and the old bald guy I play tennis with is appalled at how a young man with hair can cut it off. He thinks I have hair. That's sweet of him. And still, I rub. Love that snake oil.

2007-09-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

Team Passwaters
His name is O.B. I pronounce it "Obie". He was at the time, a mysterious monkey paw yet to be revealed. " I have a gift for you," he whispered conspiratorially. "Take this," he said as he pressed a small harlequin doll into my hand, "and don't give it away." "Why?" I asked taken aback by this tacky creation. "Because I'm giving it to you," he stated plainly. "Oh. Okey dokey. Thank you?"

He has proved to be nothing mysterious, just an odd little icon from an era of bad Journey albums and those damnable comedy/tragedy drama masks. He's been with me for about two weeks and I can't bring myself to throw him away, instead he is rubber-banded to my car's headrest. Maybe that is the curse: the inability to throw this tacky little juju in the garbage. So I wander through hill and dale looking like a an idiot with a friggin' miniature French clown in the front seat. Well played seemingly crazy old man. Well played indeed.

The second part of Team Passwaters is my new GPS. I heard someone say the other day that there are a number of things in popular culture that has never lived up to it's hype and GPS was at the top of his list. Having now experienced GPS, I can categorically confirm that this person's head is wedged solidly up his own ass. I travel anywhere from 200-500 miles a day, visit three to six potential clients, and carry twenty-five different county maps, and most of them, errant in one form or another. In the five days I've owned it, it's saved my life countless times, because I was one of those morons that would read a city map while driving. You just won't ever get anyplace if you don't in my profession and please save the "endangering people's lives" speech. I don't want to get all stereotypical and racist to defend a now moot point. We're all dumbasses on certain levels. Mine is just glaringly apparent. I say: don't half-ass it if you're going to sin or break the law, it just patronizes everyone around you.

2007-09-13T23:32:00.000-05:00

The Week In Review
9.10.07 Went to see the MSI show last night. That's Mindless Self Indulgence for you of the geriatric set. I'd compare them to Devo meets The Marx Brothers on a really bad weekend of crack, cough syrup, and methamphetamine. All in all, they're surprisingly entertaining with really catchy hooks. They look like they'd be sticky if you touched one of them, but I don't plan on doing that anytime soon. I did appreciate when the lead "singer" dressed up in a McDonald's french fry poncho and wrapped up the song with "I'm Lovin' It", then later donned a cute little set of pink fairy wings. It all worked into his act, but shared out of context, does seem odd.

The most laughable moment of the evening was one of the opening acts. The MESH zippered hoodie, heavy eyeliner, and keyboards should have screamed "AMBIGUOUSLY GAY, POORLY CHOREOGRAPHED PERFORMANCE AHEAD." Yet, I stayed. I love a good train wreck as much as the next guy. There was a baring of the shaved chest, profuse sweating, and phrases like, "This next song is about fucking". All I can say is it must have been a horrible fuck, because I couldn't understand a single word he said. Poor little fella. There was also a moment in the show when he threw his My First Casio Keyboard/voice modulator to the floor in an act of great passion and proceeded to dry hump the drum stand. One of my entourage astutely observed, "Hey buddy, you're playing a show at Rockettown, which means you probably aren't making the kind of money it takes to replace a $600 piece of equipment." If I had been drinking milk, it would have so been coming through my nose.

9.11.07 I'm sitting outside of a Starbucks trying to pirate their internet unsuccessfully and one of Life's Truths unfolds silently under glass before me: babies have the innate power to turn aging single women into total morons. She seems intelligent in conversation, even thoughtful by her expressions, but a baby has been introduced by an acquaintance. She leaps from her chair and becomes some sort of caffeinated clown willing to debase herself for the amusement of a creature who can't even control it's own bowel movements. He doesn't appreciate her happy-pouty face with extended arms shtick and doesn't give a crap that she is crushed every time he rebuffs her frighteningly over exaggerated peek-a-boos. He turns to look at her, judges her soul, and dismisses her in a glance. She dies just a little in her eyes, yet she won't acquiesce defeat. She must vindicate her entire existence. I wait for the juggling chainsaw routine and plate twirling portion of her act.

The plates never emerge, but she ramps herself to another emotional level and her gestures become so violent and caricatured that her arms and legs threaten to tear loose from her body. The mother graciously relinquishes the child and I understand immediately why she was willing to sacrifice her first-born. The harpy emerges from her glass cocoon with the child in her arms and begins caterwauling at the world. She is screeching, "car" and "bird" into this small child's face like some sort of Sesame Street drill instructor. The child does its best to mimic her cries and I cringe and roll up my window, yet the shrill cacophony continues to punch my brain until she returns inside. Shaken, I look into the rearview mirror and realize that I also have died a little inside from the experience.

9.12.07 I stand in front of the beverage section at a convenience store. All I want is a Diet Pepsi with Wild Cherry, but this particular BP doesn't carry that drink. I slide over a couple of doors and I'm staring at beer. My mouth begins to water slightly and I can't move. This happens occasionally and I feel as if I've been downloaded with subliminal advertising. I've never had this reaction to beer in my entire life. I suddenly picture myself sitting in my car, listening to talk radio and drinking all day. In my head, it feels completely normal that this could be a pastime. And I wonder if anyone else is getting this signal when they pass by beer nowadays. It's almost like a radio transmission but it only happens when I'm in BP convenience stores. They have such cute little commercials with over-simplified Japanese anime characters and they're always talking about how much time and money they are contributing towards alternative fuel sources and their commercials fill me with little nuggets of hope. Are they also filling me with a mouth-watering insatiability for cold beer?

2007-09-06T19:23:00.000-05:00

"Oh Magoo, you've done it again!"
I deliver a policy to Mrs. Snooty McBiggoten. I came out originally to sell the policy. She didn't buy from me that day but did buy from my boss on a later date. She had a friend at the house with her at that time and I got the distinct impression they were not only doubtful of my legitimacy, but frightened and somewhat disdainful of my presence in her home. I was about as professional and caucasion as Ted Koppel. I have since shaved my hair off to an eighth of an inch and no one I've delivered policies even recognizes me from earlier visits.

Me: Hi Mrs.Snooty. I dropped by to deliver your policy.
Snooty: Oh hello. I thought Johnny was going to be delivering the policy.
Me: No, I'm sorry, but he was detained today, so he sent me out.
Snooty: Oh I really liked Johnny and Bob. They were just so friendly [white] and polite [safe].
Me: They are. They're great guys.
Snooty: [clutching at her neck] Yes the first gentlemen that came out from your company was very tall [scary], had head full of dark hair [foreigner] and a funny accent [TERRORIST]!

My first thought: "I have a funny accent?!?" My second thought: "I've become Mr. Magoo just by cutting my hair? Now I'm short and bald?" Well I am sort of bald. I'll give her that. Bitch.

2007-09-06T18:30:00.000-05:00

Showdown At The Okey-Dokey Corral
There's a impatient gentleman waiting behind me at the gas station. A second cashier just waiting for her medicare benefits to kick in walks up to the other cash register. The exchange is like a showdown in a saloon between two old cowboys. If the saloon is a BP gas station and the cowboys are aging clowns packing seltzer bottles and squirting flowers on their lapels.

Cashier: Sir, I can help you over here.
Customer: Nah, no one can help me, but you can check me out.
Cashier: Sorry sir, but management has asked me to stop checking men out while I'm working.

They slap leather, iron is exchanged, and when the smoke clears, the only victims are those that had to witness that horrible exchange of shaving cream pies. May I rest in peace.

2006-10-15T00:34:00.000-05:00

Umm, not quite?
Xian: Wow, that sign was so long, I couldn't even read it all.
Me: What'd it say?
Xian: I don't know, it was too long.
Me: Well, what was the general theme?
Xian: Something about God wanting to be proud of us?
Me: Ah. I don't remember that one.

2006-10-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

491 Means Somebody's Gettin' An Asswhooping
I keep seeing the long columns of buggies in the news everywhere and despite this unbelievable tragedy, all I can hear are the opening strands of "Weird Al" Yankovik's, Amish Paradise.

The two religious leaders, a rabbi and a female Presbyterian pastor, are explaining forgiveness to a doltish Matt Lauer. They speak to him as if he's a small child; a small retarded child. Matt doesn't seem to mind and considering the plausibility with which Matt is approaching this line of questioning, I can see why they're speaking to him this way. Matt must know, "Can anyone forgive, or is it only for the religious?" Right there! Right at that very moment, the rabbi and the pastor look at one another like they're sharing some sort of inside joke and both of them look at Matt, once again like the 'tard that Matt is, and shake their head slowly and smile, "Nooo, forgiveness is for anyone. It is in our human nature to want to forgive. It is a part of our make-up as God's creations."

I can't hear the rest of the interview because my laughter is drowning out their words. "It is in our human nature to want to forgive". Three days later and that is still the dumbest thing I've heard this week. Matt even gave them an "out". He asked the Dogmatic Duo if a person needed a relationship with God to allow them to forgive with the rapidity and humility of the Amish. "No Matt, it is something you practice." I guess like deep breathing or lunges.

My mom once managed a children's daycare and as a part of that job, we lived at the facility. I've been around far too many children for one lifetime. In the year that we lived there, I never saw a single child, who understood he had been wronged, ever say, "I must forgive him. He stole my toy and I must forgive him that fault." I have seen them, on various occassions, scream bloody murder and bludgeon their assailant with either Lincoln Logs, a Lil' Push Popper, or a tricycle.

Human nature wants justice. We want vindication. We want blood. But never do we naturally want to forgive our persecutor, even with a mantra and three square meals of your vegetarian choice. It's ludicrous to assume that we want something as foreign as forgiveness without a relationship in Christ. I think that's why Jesus was so unusual when he told his disciples to forgive. "How many times must we forgive (before we can beat the shit out of someone that pisses us off), Teacher? Seven times?" And then Jesus sighs in exasperation, "Seven times (you dumbasses really don't listen when I talk do you)? You must forgive your brother seventy times seven!" And the disciples said, "Shit. I left my abacus in my other robe, anybody? Judas?" Judas just slaps his forehead with the heel of his hand and mumbles, "490."

2006-09-27T00:05:00.000-05:00

The Travels Get More Interesting

I call it, In All Of Nature's Glory.

2006-09-15T23:11:00.000-05:00

In the South...
even the Amish are Rednecks.

2006-09-15T00:33:00.000-05:00

A Conversation with Rhonda, the Niece
"I just want to make sure that this isn't a scam."

"Yes, the old 'Saving-the-elderly-money-and-giving-them-better-insurance' scam. I've read about it."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"Rhonda, I drive 300 miles a day and talk to maybe three people. I then have that person write a check for about $90 to their respective insurance company. I can't accept cash, nor can the client write the check out in my name. Rhonda, that could possibly be the worst scam in the history of grifting."

"I see your point..."

"I may as well become a long-haul trucker, because they make more per-mile than I do."

"Well, the rich are always trying to scam old people out of their money."

"Rhonda, if I were rich, my first choice in how to spend the day wouldn't involve driving 300 miles, and talking to people who believe you're trying to steal from them, even though you're offering them better Medicare coverage for a lower price. It would involve a beach and tennis every other morning."

"You're just so young..."

"Please tell my left elbow and my youth group. Neither of them believes that."

[And then we laugh and laugh, and they buy the health insurance and the life insurance]

2006-09-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

Forgot this great joke from Pulp Fiction
Three tomatoes are walkng along the street: Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind and Papa Tomato walks back to him and squishes him right there and says, "Ketchup".

2006-08-29T19:49:00.000-05:00

The Mystery of Ar-Or

Alien technology?
A remnant of an ancient civilization?
An early masonic temple?

This is the second one I've seen in West Tennessee and they're incredibly intimidating when you drive around a bend in the road and come up on this 40-foot monstrosity.

This one happened to be near a client's home, so when I arrived, I asked him if he knew of it's origins.

"Oh suuuure. They wur used fur arr-or."
Arrrrr-Orrrrr?
"Yah, arr-or."
Arrrrr-Orrrr?!? [whispering to self] arrrr-or, arrr-or....IRON ORE?!?
"Yeah! They'd get a messa' arr-or and throw wood in there and smelt it."
Ohhhhh...smelting iron ore.
"Yep, arrr-or."

2006-08-29T19:04:00.000-05:00

Your Tongue-twister for the Day

2006-08-15T22:30:00.000-05:00

A good excuse for bad cooking.
I've discovered that here in the South, people don't "die" for the good cooking, they live for a good condiment. Tarter sauce seems to be everyone's favorite. Restaurants even boast how good their homemade condiments are, versus the competition's. I lived on the West Coast. It had the best restaurants I've ever eaten at in my life. Here, in the South, we hope to God we can just cover our food in something that gives it flavor. I weep in my pillow at night. I never thought I'd miss California so much.

"Let them have their tar-tar sauce." -Montgomery Burns

2006-07-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

Stupid frickin' frackin' comment section!!!
I tried to post this about three different ways in the comment section, but it wouldn't let me, so here's my responses to your posts regarding the issue of "Once Save Always Saved".

Tamara: But are you doing it from a position of love or fear? Think about it before you answer it, because that sort of sounds like you’re coming from a place of fear vs. love.

Steve: I'm sort of where you're at, but not so much from an obvious rebellion. I'm talking more about the ambivalence of being overwhelmed by life and just sort of de-prioritizing God in that wonderful way that only Christians can do. If He just gets lost in the shuffle, have we lost His Grace? Is there a point where we lose our salvation, like it wears off?!? But I LIKE the Free-will argument. What about that? I have ask him where we stand on that issue.

Wendy: I have a feeling as long as there have been people, there's been stupid questions like this. I think this is where we really screw up our FAITH in Christ. We work way too hard at it, when so little is required on our parts.

Cam: Hm. I missed that somehow, and I'm a fan of obscure verses. Who the heck blasphemes the Holy Spirit?!? Sure the Holy Ghost thing was pretty funny the first time I heard it as a second grader, but it loses it's impact as a near-40 year-older.

2006-06-30T13:22:00.000-05:00

Oh, those whacky Baptists!
I got into a debate the other night while playing Spades with some Baptists. I love a good chat about faith, politics, and batting averages, but it came down to this: most Baptists believe in the salvation theory of "Once Saved, Always Saved".

I had never really thought about my salvation in those terms, but as he presented his Scriptural understanding of the issue, I could see how he came to that conclusion. I guess at the moment he said it, I didn't believe that particular philosophy, because I was appalled when he made the statement. Now as I put that statement on and wear it around, I like the way it looks on me. I may keep it.

I just wanted some feedback: "Once Saved, Always Saved"? I'm still pondering, but I liked his presentation in retrospect. I've never read anything in the scriptures that makes our salvation conditional upon our behavior, so I'm wondering how I attained my skewed tenant. I really want to hear from you guys on this one. I've always been Non-denominational, so let me know your denomination and your belief, and tell me if this is a personal or denominational point of view.

My take on this proposition at the moment is that I see a lot of scriptures that deal with how we should live after we've made the decision to follow Christ, but none on why He would choose to walk away from us for a particular act. So are the Baptists right?!? Discuss...

2006-06-19T10:54:00.000-05:00

The Birth of A Salesman
I passed my retakes for the state insurance exam. I walked out in the lobby, and when the woman said I passed, I nearly screamed like a Miss America winner. I've never had such a rush of nausea, excitement, and fear in my life. I was barely able to stand as they placed the tiara on my head and put the sash around me.

The feelings of victory and elation quickly dissipated on the second day of on-the-job training when we drove over 500 miles in one day. I got home around 10:30 at night. The sash was crumbled under the front seat and the tiara was under a pile of applications.

In my reign, I have gotten to visit Loretta Lynn's Kitchen. It's a quaint roadside eatery in Waverly Tennessee. If you want to see what every Loretta Lynn fan with an excess of time and macaroni and a shortage of artistic talent think of this entertainer, you definitely need to see this place.

I can't tell you where Waverly is, because I can't remember. This last week was a blur of road signs and tiny gas stations and I loved it. I keep hearing that Johnny Cash song in my head, "I've Been Everywhere". I drive in a car all day, selling life and health plans to the elderly, and I love it. This is by far the most satisfying job I've ever had and I'm still trying to figure out why.

The aged have a unique smell to them which until now I always found offensive, their homes are closed up and usually insufferably claustrophobic on a ninety-degree day, but there's something compelling about the whole scenario. It's almost as if I feel I should be there, like I was meant to be there, talking to them, preparing them for the inevitable. It gives me a strange sense of peace to listen to their life's accomplishments, their passions, their regrets, and I empathize with them in their pain and their joy.

I see in them now what I've always feared: myself. I understand what makes the young afraid of the old and the old resentful of the young. We see in one another, what we fear to become and regret that which we have lost. I hear their stories and I see the eyes of my youth group at church. There is still hope and life in them, but they've been trapped in a body, which betrayed them by time. Our hearts never lose the desire to explore and discover new things, we just painfully learn to accept the physical limitation time and responsibility have placed upon us.

2006-06-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

I gots to get me soma' dat!
Now on my Christmas Wish List:

A story released by The Daily Mail today via Drudge Report has listed these specifics of the SAS's newest toy:

"Resembling a 6ft-wide pair of aircraft wings, the devices should allow a parachutist to glide up to 120miles, carrying 200lb of equipment, the manufacturers claim."

wow. THAT is just fun.

2006-06-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

It vexes me. I am terribly vexed.
I'm still studying and practicing for my state insurance licensing test that I'm taking next week but something's nagging at the back of my brain: is Batman a legitimate superhero or is he just the premiere crime fighter.

I was in the shower this morning and I kept trying to justify his superhero-esque legitimacy. Sure, he hangs out with a ton of superheroes at the Hall of Justice, he's a genius, he's got gadgets coming out the ying-yang, but they let Robin hang out at The Hall Of Justice, Robin.

I keep coming back to the issue that he has no super powers and all he does is fight crime at a street level, like stopping muggers or rapists. That's very noble, but not necessarily worthy of being called a Hero. He created himself purely to be a crime fighter to avenge the memory of his parent's death. That doesn't say superhero to me, that says crime fighter.

I need an alternate view, and Cam, yelling really loudly that, "Batman is too a superhero!!!", doesn't validate your argument.

[Aside]: Cam is a fellow youth group leader, newly pledged adult since his graduation this past May, and Lover of All Things Hero-esque, as am I. This is our own little debate that I'll bring to floor of the Senate.

I think I'd actually watch C-Span if they'd argue this topic in the middle of a filibuster. Man, that'd be good times.

Note for Cam: now that you're an "Adult", this argument we're debating isn't cute, it's the sad, sad argument of two Geeks. Welcome to my world. :D

2006-05-17T14:52:00.000-05:00

If You're Not A Part Of The Solution...
Hm. read this article this morning from the Hollywood Reporter.

"Strictly as a movie and ignoring the current swirl of controversy no amount of studio money could ever buy, the Ron Howard-directed film features one of Tom Hanks' more remote, even wooden performances in a role that admittedly demands all the wrong sorts of things from a thriller protagonist; an only slightly more animated performance from his French co-star, Audrey Tautou; and polished Hollywood production values where camera cranes sweep viewers up to God-like points of view and famous locations and deliciously sinister interiors heighten tension where the movie threatens to turn into a historical treatise. The movie really only catches fire after an hour, when Ian McKellen hobbles on the scene as the story's Sphinx-like Sir Leigh Teabing. Here is the one actor having fun with his role and playing a character rather than a piece to a puzzle...

The plot is driven not by its characters but by solutions to puzzles, the breaking of codes, interpreting covert references in works of art and a dazzling display of historical knowledge, all of which works terrifically in the novel but puts the brakes to all screen action. Hanks' character is far too reactive and contemplative for a movie action hero, and the cliched nature of those drifting in and out of his orbit hits home with jolting simplicity."

I then realized that this movie had already been done a couple of times!

I think Tom’s bad hairdo is holding him back and he looks a little bloated, he's definitely not at his usual fighting weight. If all they needed was a wooden performance with a name, then they should have cast Harrison Ford or Richard Gere. Ouch, at least Steve Zahn made me laugh. The odds of me seeing Tom’s bad hair now: 7:1.

Shawn’s Instant Recast: Let’s be pragmatic about this: Tom is Ron’s favorite go-to actor, they’re probably buddies, and their kids have play dates. That being said, Tom wasn’t the best choice for this role. The role requires someone that’s a classic Narrator/Storyteller, someone with a voice that you want to listen to for two and a half hours. I don’t know the story, as we discovered yesterday, but he’s probably in his mid-forties to early fifties and a man established in his field if he’s speaking in other cities. Everyone I’m picturing is too English and old, or Black: Sir Anthony Hopkins (brilliant in Hearts In Atlantis, too old, too British), Morgan Freeman (Black, it didn’t work for the remake of Wild Wild West either, did it Will?), or Ewan McGregor (too young, Too English, but I loved his storytelling abilities in Big Fish.

And was Monica Belucci (Tears of The Sun) busy?!? Why wasn’t she cast as the French chick? I mean, if it’s that bad a script, at least help make us forget that fact. It worked for Matrix 2 and 3, and sadly, Tears Of The Sun. Like anyone in the Midwest is going to being able to tell the difference between an Italian accent and a French accent.

I guess the bottom line is: there's no great American actors. Go with your buddy. I would have cast Richard Gere and Monica. At least their prettiness would have blinded you to the lame script.

2006-05-16T14:41:00.000-05:00

Ripped From The Headlines!
I love it when Copudramas advertise their shows with that phrase. It seems like they want me to care, but I just...can't, because the acting is still deplorable and their dramatization of police officers is an insult to the process of actual crime scene investigation everywhere. I'm scanning the headlines today and the The Da Vinci Code is getting massive coverage. My wife, Ernie, read the book about as year and a half ago and tried to get me to read it because it was so entertaining. Let me repeat that phrase: she found the book entertaining. As in, she recognized that since she was grabbing a book from the fiction section of the bookstore, the book would be a work of fiction. At no point after reading the book has she ever come to me and said, "Shawn, I'd just like to renounce my Christian faith to you and let you know that I knew I didn't trust those dirty Catholics all along for some reason." Never once has she said that statement.

I think, because as she perceives reality, when you grab a book from the fiction section, it is a work of fiction. It's a nutty concept, but the only reason I bring this up is because in every single article I've read, people are having a real hard time with reality versus fiction aspect of the movie. There is even a poll, which says that people are struggling in their faith because of the movie. I just feel bad that people are this dumb. It's like one of those, Your-Mom-Is-So-Dumb jokes: "Your mom is so dumb that she stared at her orange juice carton for two hours because it said 'Concentrate'." It's that level of tragically stupid. "I saw a movie, Jesus isn't real! They lied to meeee!"

People. If you think you believe in Jesus as your Personal Lord and Savior and you are swayed by a movie that states that Jesus was just a nice guy that settled down in the suburbs and raised a family, and you believe it, then you probably never believed or had faith in the first place. "Shawn, a lot of the things they talk about in the book are real." And Gone With The Wind was a movie based around the Civil War, which was an actual event, but yet I know the story was a work of fiction! How is that?!? Dear Lord, it boggles the mind!!!

"If you are going to take any sort of movie at face value, particularly a huge-budget motion picture like this, you'd be making a very big mistake."
-Tom Hanks in reference to his new movie, The Da Vinci Code

"I think that people's faith is nothing to take lightly. I have a great deal of respect for people of faith, all faiths. At the same time, it is a work of fiction. It's not meant to offend, it's not theology."
-Ron Howard, director of The Da Vinci Code and once played that adorable little character Opie, from the Andy Griffith Show

"I think that if you can see a movie or read a book you get from the fiction section of your bookstore and allow it to change your worldview and destroy your faith, then you should be locked in a padded room and all sharp objects should be taken from your presence because you're officially a dumbass."
-Shawn Passwaters, some guy who will watch the new movie, The Da Vinci Code, because he was too lazy too read the book, but still loves Ron Howard movies, the actor Tom Hanks, and still believes that Jesus is the Son of God sent to die for the sins of man and whose faith has never been affected by movies like The Da Vinci Code, that lame movie, The Passion of The Christ, or the even lamer still, The Last Temptation of Christ

2006-05-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

The Maturation Of Shawn
My fast ended a week ago. I feel...different now. I'm quieter, more pragmatic, maybe more faithful? I don't know, I just know I'm not completely who I was when I started. I feel nicer? Nah, most people who know me would probably say I'm the same jerk I was before, but integrally, I feel different. I feel like an adult now.

The only way I can think to explain it is that I went through the motions of maturity and the responsibilities that come with every respective age, but I longed for my youth. I was constantly missing the importance of the wisdom that comes from having lived for nearly four decades.

I think I have more to say on this subject, I just...don't wanna. That was the jist. Glad to be back talking to you guys again.

See ya' 'round the bend!

2006-03-30T20:24:00.000-06:00

The 40, Day 3

Struggling. Spiritual high all gone. Going to pray, read some scriture, and pass out.

[One hour later]

Wait...I just got a call from another youth group leader and we've become prayer/accountability partners. wow. One minute I'm falling apart and the next, God has helped me through a crisis with encouraging words and prayer.

I think I'm leaving the internet. I'm taking this off-road. I'm addicted this thing too. I'll see you guys in 37 days. I hate it, but I want to seek the face of God more than I want to be on the internet.

Pray for me. I'll definitely be praying for you. Write me a letter or call me. We'll chat! :D

2006-03-29T23:49:00.000-06:00

The 40, Day 2: The Fire Spreads
Moses Flees To Midian, Exodus 2:11-25

We shared the vision for the fast with some of youth group's student leadership yesterday. Eight people joined immediately. They had all been praying for something huge to happen in the youth group. Every one of them had the same feeling that they wanted to take their faith to the next level, but couldn't figure out how to go about this change.

We announced the fast within the youth group tonight. Fifteen kids have posted to Ernie's MySpace or told me verbally that they're going to be fasting in some manner: technologies, junk food and sodas, or useless entertainment. It's amazing, because to me, they don't have to do this fast. Forty days isn't a short amount of time when you're fifteen years-old and living without your iPod.

Personally, I'm hungry, tired, and excited. I'm existing on 340 calories a day, 90 ounces of water, and a lot of prayer. This doesn't look or feel like what I imagined. I think it's a good thing. God doesn't ever come to us in the manner we'd prefer.

I just erased a sentence that said I'm waiting for God to reveal Himself in my life. He is revealing himself through the lives of these youth and I'm blessed by their courage. I'm blessed by this entire endeavor already. I'm blessed by the encouragement I've received from even those who aren't participating, but want us to succeed.

I can feel your prayers. They carry me through the day. Thank you and may God bless your endeavors also.

I sound all Bible-y...what's up with that?!?

2006-03-28T11:13:00.000-06:00

The 40, Day One
The Birth Of Moses, Exodus 1:1-10

I've just taken over teaching the youth's leadership study. We just finished the Listening Leader and the Communicating Leader chapters. That type of material pierces the soul. You realize how short you fall, but it's incredibly inspiring.

I've become friends with one of the other leaders in the group who's a high school senior, and just turned eighteen. It's exciting to be around passionate youthfulness. Here's reading on his own and he's questioning his level of commitment to his faith. We were IMing last night and the conversation took a turn and I confessed that I've done tons of leadership studies before and after it's over, you feel that huge sense of accomplishment and while you're busy patting yourself on the back, you throw yourself into spiritual cruise control and coast.

And I realized that's as far as I've ever gotten in my spirituality in fourteen years. And I hate it. I've been patting myself on the back for fourteen years.

I look like a leader, I talk like a leader, but I feel like a youth with two years of study on everyone else. I just have the vocabulary and have read a few more verses that I take with the sentiment of a verse written on a coffee mug. I nod knowingly and walk away slowly. I know where I lack and I feel it pull at me every time I look in their faces. I'm doing NOTHING different in my life different from them. Why should they follow a person who SAYS "do incredible things" when he does nothing more than live a mundane spiritual life himself?!? I wouldn't listen either if I were them.

The topic of the "Next Level" comes up. What's after this? Do we just go back to life and cruise through this existence with the underlying knowledge that we BOTH feel that there's something more to our faith?

We kept bringing up the disciples and their world-changing faith and their acts that almost seemed superheroic. We both love the Star Wars Trilogy, and crazy movies like the Matrix and graphic novels, but I think I understand why we seek those out now. We're both fascinated with the heroic nature of man, but we came to the conclusion that the heroic nature of man lies buried in our faith.

We're both big nerds, so I threw out the Big Challenge: how much do you think a Jedi meditates to attain all his rich, chewy Jedi-ness? Isn't that our faith when you strip away the fluffy cultural aspects, church programs, and softball games?

We are spiritual warriors that dwell in a physical realm. It's Matrix-y in nature. It's all Jedi and deprivation and baring our souls to see what God wants for our lives. Faith can alter what we take for granted as "reality". We can change the world through our faith, but there's a sacrifice of deprivation. He's calling the rich, young rulers out again, in us. Do we let go of our cherished baubles and follow him this time? Yeah, yeah...this time we do.

We want incredible things to happen in our youth group and we want that in our spiritual walk. But we know that we have to do something incredible to make that happen. My fellow padawan's major realization is that no one teaches or leads you to that next level of Jedi-Delicious Faith. I'd never thought of that aspect. Then, I reasoned, if no one's going to teach you, then we need to step out and lead ourselves. We're leaders, we have no excuses. It's not like we don't know scripturally what to do. You don't need someone's permission to fast and pray and cast off the unecessary crap that inundates our lives.

He's going to buy a journal. I'm going to blog. I have chosen to relinquish music, solid foods, movies, and caffeine for the next forty days. I want something BIG in this youth group, and something LIFE-ALTERING in my life. I believe this will be it. Please pray for me in this time, as I will for you.

"Do, or do not. There is no try." -Yoda

2006-03-19T23:09:00.000-06:00

White Man's Boombox
"Excuse me."

The tone denoted neither manners nor any intention to be polite. They were words of misplaced authority and presumed obedience. And the proximity was far too close to be beseeching. He was standing over my right shoulder and I could feel my neck beginning to flush and my throat tighten.

"Excuse me. Whatever that is, could you please turn it off ?!?"

I discerned from his bulging eyes and striated neck that he was upset. The small vein in his forehead pulsed and was apparently supplying some sort of energy source for his hairstyle to stand erect, but I couldn't divert my eyes. His hair seemed angrier than his words.

"Surrrrrrre."

Not everyone appreciates Adam Ant. I would never have thought before that moment, so vehemently.

He turned on his heel slowly and walked back to his four children. They wanted ice cream. He wanted justice. He wanted vindication for having his meal of average Chinese and lackluster service ruined by Thoughtless America, with their blaring electronic gadgets and dirty hippie music.

He tried to maintain some manner of stoicism, but our tables were only three feet apart. Captain Righteous Hair of Anger had just created a socially awkward chasm filled with repressed rage and violent tendencies. There was nothing our party of four could do except sit there and stare down into its abyss with great big doe eyes and clenched lips, making the sounds of a thousand tiny elephants.

Behind us: "We're leaving."

And they did. Just like that. Children are such clueless, good-hearted, dutiful creatures. They moved along behind their glowering guardian singing happy songs and chitchatting like they were on a picnic. And as he crammed his family of five into a 2005 Mustang 5.0, with racing stripes, all I could say in a lisping falsetto voice is, "Someone's compensating."

I'm such a crappy role model.

2006-03-05T12:41:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to see my new profile pic
Hmm...what am I thinking, in a bathroom in Gatlinburg, TN?

2006-03-02T09:51:00.000-06:00

A Passwaters Family Gothic Roadtrip
There is something macabre in the soul of a teenage boy, but there lurks something far more sinister in the time-ripened heart of a seventy year-old woman. The Family Passwaters accompanied by our young ward, Jeffrey, was on our way to church on a brisk Sunday morning when a pleasant conversation on local wildlife took the usual menacing turn for the worst and everyone showed their true colors.

Our neighborhood is plagued by an alarmingly high suicide rate amongst small to mid-sized woodland creatures. I don't know what is so damned depressing about the South or so distressing in the life of a small to mid-sized woodland creature in Central Tennessee, but we could fill a train car with the corpses on any given day of the week. One particularly inspiring piece of roadside death brought out quite an amusing tale of ironic demise by young Master Jeffery.

He told of a road trip through the local countryside, similar to ours. His grandmother piloted their motorized carriage, carrying Jeffery's brother James to the estate of a dear friend and school chum. His grandmother was quickly losing vision as the evening neared dusk when from a nearby copse, they were accosted by what could be described as a mature, feral tomcat. The tom may have been famished out of its usually discreet mind and confused the carriage's speed and trajectory with that of a low-flying bird, albeit, an ave of abnormal breadth and width.

Whatever the intent, the outcome was obvious and the sound of the tom's head beneath the wheel of the carriage was both distinct and final. Jeffrey continued that nothing more was said of this tragedy until the following week when James returned once again to his school chum's manor. A passing conversation revealed that the friend's family cat had been struck and killed by a passing motorist. James was astounded to hear of this and revealed that his grandmother had indeed killed their family cat the week prior. In generations past, such an affront could cause a feud amongst their two families, but in the socially desensitized world of the new millennia, it only served as fodder for the morally depraved set of ambivalent ne'er-do-wells.

Their sickening peals of laughter were echoed in the cabin of our truck that brisk Sunday morning as we shared other grisly roadside deaths we had been apart of, but one of our passengers didn't share in our glorious recounting.

I could feel myself bristle even before I cast a sidelong glance to the passenger seat. In all of our joviality, I had forgotten that my mother had joined us this morn. Her countenance was held in dour, self-righteousness, all-too prepared to let us know just what her overly arched eyebrows could not convey.

"This is just morbid," she stated. Knowing full well what she meant, I still had to goad her to elaborate on her dramatized discourse. "What do you mean, mother," I taunted. "This whole conversation," she railed, "is just sickening, and it's just morbid how those two sit back there and laugh at the death of a beloved family pet."

In all truth, the conversation was a bit dark for my taste also, but who was I to pass up a perfectly good moment of levity. "Mother, what exactly are you offended by? People hunt deer and have for centuries celebrated in their killings with hunting stories and weekend parties." Aghast, she said, "Well, I think that's just wrong too. I'm not one of those people. I hunt deer with a camera!"

"A camera," I retorted. "How the hell is bludgeoning a deer to death with a camera any better than just shooting it? And what sort of bait allows you to sneak up on a deer to bludgeon it with a camera? Do you use the strap for leverage? I bet you're one of those cruel hunters who try to save money on your equipment, so you buy disposable cameras and have to kill the deer by finding a sharp plastic edge on the camera and blinding the deer in hopes its wound becomes infected, and then mercilessly stalk it over the next few days as it wanders aimlessly through the wilderness. Madam, you are a monster."

2006-02-28T22:07:00.000-06:00

Ouch, it stings the soul.
I accepted a leadership role within the youth group recently. The youth pastor and I had a couple of planning meetings, I said too much, and I walked out with a three-year gym membership. I don't want to have to go to the gym. Crap. I do and I don't. It tugs at me.

So, I've been unwittingly half-assing my way through the Bible study and I was doing catch-up in the car tonight while Christian was taking a guitar lesson. It was a lesson on the praying leader. Been there, done that. Cynical as always. One question caught my eye. What do you think God would say to you. I wrote, "I miss our conversations."

Where am I in my faith? I am comfortable. See, Complacent. See, Lazy. "Enough," I think sitting there, "Where am I Lord, I feel lost." I get home and Hebrews 11 is throbbing in my head. Just read it. The faith chapter. Interesting. Faith has never really been an issue, but I get that it's definitely an illustration.

I had talked to Ernie earlier in the day. A family member in the Philippines had stolen from Ernie's mom. I had mentioned that even Jesus said he would spit us out of his mouth, in reference that her mom should consider severing various relationships with her family.

The more I thought about it when I got home, it wasn't really in context. Jesus was talking about something else, so I went to confirm it online. I love BibleGateway.com. The word search revealed it was Revelation 3:16, regarding the spitting reference.

Out of nowhere, in the total silence, Christian puts on Johnny Cash's, The Man Comes Around. Revelation stuff. Great guitar riff. Disturbing co-inky-dink. I love that song.

"Where am I Lord...".

Revelation 3:16 pops up:

"So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot or cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Yeah, that verse definitely isn't in context for Ernie's mom's situation.

"Crap, what do you want?"

I started laughing out loud when I read it for the third time. Ouch. I get it. You got my attention. I love a Savior with a sense of humor. Johnny Cash and internet Bible sites. Kudos Sir! You are good!

2006-02-17T23:49:00.000-06:00

MySpace
My hands become talons, flexing and malevolent. My utterances are monosyllabic expulsions of air, frustrated and ultimately benign. I am left with rage for this technological copulation of rudimentary double-speak and poor customer service. 54 million people can't be wrong, right? You'd hope...

The December and January of my life has been wasted. I have been in an emotional purgatory, neither direct or passive-aggressive. Polite. I have been polite and benign and socially emasculated for the sake of everyone involved. It hurt me, doesn't that count for something? Today, and for the rest of my life, no.

I am not MySpace. I can't care for your personal preferences. If I do I'm, ultimately, gay or a predator. Everyone says so, so it must be true. I am Frankenstein’s Social Monstrosity and I must be esoterically killed. Gather your pitchforks and we'll storm the castle. Wait, we're hunting me, aren't we?!?

Violent music makes it all feel better. There's a thirteen year-old girl in me and she wants to know your every minutia. She giggles and I check her into the boards and duct tape her mouth. Grown men don't care about these trivialities. Throw her in the closet and be done with it. All of it. Go angrily blogging into the night, all full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Where's my Bobble Head Jesus when I need him?

I'm back. All Las Vegas and full of piss and vinegar. Hanging with the boys, deprecating swagger, feeling all comfortably misplaced and all I can think is, "Screw you guys, Elvis has left the building."

Glad to be back homos...apiens.

2005-11-28T22:13:00.000-06:00

Blahblahblah...
And right after I tell someone I wouldn't blog or goof off over at MySpace, I start goofing off and blogging. Damn my weak will...ed..ness?

2005-11-28T11:11:00.000-06:00

If Elvis jumped off a bridge...
I watched Walk The Line last week, B.C. (Before Cold) and I learned a lot of things about Johnny Cash. I knew he was addicted to prescription medications as Elvis was, but I never knew that it was someone in Elvis' entourage who started Johnny down his road of excess with the all-too-predictable phrase, "Go ahead and try it, Elvis takes them."

Sitting there in the darkness of the theatre in all of my Parental Glory, I realized that I was shaking my head and giving that, "you dumbass" look during that scene.

I highly recommend this film even if you're just fans of Reese or Joaquin. This is easily their best work to date, and I wouldn't be surprised if they walk away with some Oscars for their efforts. It's one of the few movies I'd actually pay to go watch again.

2005-11-27T21:59:00.000-06:00

*sniffle*
I hate colds. I just finished my Despondent Day, where I ceremoniously loathe everything: music, movies, light, sound. I don't know if everyone has one of these traditions, but it's now an extended part of my other tradition: being sick on major holidays. There's nothing that says Family Time like three shots of knock-off Nyquil, random consciousness, and pumpkin pie with Cool Whip.

I think I'm still slightly despondent. I'm still loathful, but in a more chipper, hopeful way. Not enough to like like Madonna's new CD, but that would take a couple more shots of knock-off Nyquil. Why are they still letting her make music? Someone wrestle the karaoke machine away from her and put it back in the closet please.

And the best line I heard while knock-off Nyquil induced: "I've heard that black guys can dance."

What?!?

2005-11-18T23:05:00.000-06:00

Potter!
Just got home from the new Harry Potter flick. I'm amazed that they keep getting better. Kudos! Five out of five stars!

2005-11-16T22:25:00.000-06:00

How much do you love me?
Did you know that if you don't groom a Lab over an entire summer because your ankle is broken, the fur on it's ass clumps? Not from fecal matter, don't be gross. Just from the non-grooming. Fortunately, they make a special "sauce" that you can apply to the clumped fur, sort of like a detangler.

Here's the catch: you will have to stand out in your driveway and massage your dog's ass for five minutes to loosen the fur. Did I mention the area of clumping was on her ass? That wasn't uncomfortable or weird at all.

Labs are also not fond of having garden hose water on a 50 degree day shot in the vicinity of their rectum. They run away very quickly and pull the portable disc golf basket, that you believed would be heavy enough to hold them, onto your head in their hasty retreat.

She rests quietly across the room now on her freshly washed dog pillow, with her newly de-clumped ass fur, without a worry in the world. And I'm still washing my hands every five minutes, trying to get the smell of detangler and dog ass off my hands. That's how much I love you, you bitch.

2005-11-16T16:32:00.000-06:00

What a woman
or should I say, "what a disturbing woman".

2005-11-16T00:49:00.002-06:00

But I was thinking of you the entire time
I've been goofing off at another site for the past few days, but it's proving to be a total pain to even make this site look presentable. I may actually have to learn some CSS or something. I'll try not to, but I don't think I can prevent it this time. Bah.

I was also at my old site today, but I haven't done anything with it yet, except switch out front pages. I may try to install an online photo album, but that seems like more tedium. Bah, twice in the same spot.

2005-11-15T21:58:00.000-06:00

You go Grrrrrrrl!
I went and saw my church compete in a dodgeball fundraiser this weekend and MY GOD, men NEVER get over this sport. Attendance was in the hundreds and those were mostly teams. Still, the best moment of the day involved three young bucks gunning for the last little girl on the other side. What will the petite little thing do?!? Oh I don't know...deftly dodge the first two balls by throwing her body in two diffferent directions at the same time, then spinning on her heel to catch the third ball?

How do you spell "Imasculation"?

"C-h-i-c-k-j-u-s-t-c-a-u-g-h-t-y-o-u-r-b-a-l-l."

It brought the house down. Kudos to the chick.

And to my little fundraising buddies: do this one as quick as you can. The people who ran this thing had no clue how to run a fundraiser. They didn't even charge admission or have a T-shirt to sell. Although, they were smart enough to get the high school gym for free. Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it. They also made it an 18 and over tournament, to avoid all that lame paperwork.

2005-11-10T00:22:00.000-06:00

It's okay JJ...
JJ tested as Luke Skywalker on his first try and the creepy elf chick in LOTR on his second try. ouch. That Rory stand-in joke must have hit a little too close to home. The frightening thing is he didn't list what his preference was for me to use...so we're going with the chick! Nah, we'll keep him as Luke.

More frightening, is that Alon swears he knows who none of these characters are, so he won't take the test. I don't know what's weirder: knowing who most of these characters are (I know about 70% of them, some are really obscure) or not knowing any of them. So, he would have us believe he's never seen any Star Wars, Matrix, or StarTrek movies? Dude! Did your parents lock you in a box?!? Are you secretly a Quaker and you're just not telling anyone?

So in his stead, I decide to "drunk test" this. No, I wasn't drinking when I took it (been dry for, oddly, about a year and a half), but I've been drunk enough times to know my stupid decision-making skills while inebriated. I drunk-tested as...Princess Leia. So if I'm the drunk chick at the party, I'm gonna be the hot, drunk chick at the party and be Slave-girl Princess Leia. Because God knows, that was the only time that poor girl was even remotely attractive in that whole series.

And then you say, "You didn't find Princess Leia attractive?" No. Carrie Fisher gives off a drunk, cigarette-hanging-out-of-the-corner-of-her-mouth, abusive, single mom vibe, and her character would have been told, "Hey! You are sooo not cute enough to be this cranky. You will conveniently fit through an airlock."

See below, for updated tally...

2005-11-08T19:04:00.000-06:00

Fantasy Character Tally

Update:
Tamara: somehow needed to feel more "special"
Alon: tested out as a Quaker
JJ: still funnier as the chick

2005-11-08T18:35:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving will always be interesting?
I don't know what it says about family dynamics when your family takes a "What Fantasy Character Are You?" test and your son tests as Obi-Wan Kenobi and your wife tests as Anakin Skywalker...holidays will never be boring?

2005-11-08T01:14:00.000-06:00

Just keeping the pimphand strong
I took more personality tests. I don't know why. Apparently:

-My inner child is surprised (enjoys many shiney objects!).
-People see me as slow and steady (painstaking and fussy. I've heard that).
-My personality is Rational (logical, creative, and full of...ideas).
-I could not be a US Citizen (I only got 5 out of 10 correct).
-My Pimpname is Pimptastico Pump (I could have told them that).
-The age I act is 23 years old (I still enjoy new experiences).
-I am 60% weird (I'm so weird, I believe I'm normal).
-My Religious Philosophy: Believer (whew, sweating that one).
-My funky, inner hair color is: Red! (passionate, fiery, and sassy!).
-My advanced degree should be a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts).
-I am Rejected Crayon Color: los angeles air brown (I feel special now).
-And amazingly, I can pass eighth grade math in my head! (9 out of 10, guessed on one question).

2005-11-07T23:22:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the suck.
Saw the movie, Jarhead. Amazing movie, but definitely not for chicks or the myopically fascist. Jarhead is what happens when you send a bunch of teenagers to war(?), and then have them sit in a waiting room with dust storms for six months. Get used to their stories, this won't be the last one. Did you really think sending your children off to die for gas prices would produce something positive?

2005-11-04T13:28:00.000-06:00

When in Rome
I found this on my camera phone the other day while I was stuck in a doctor's office. I had taken it when I moved to Tennessee from California a year and a half ago. Now Fine Redneck Living is just a part of my life. Only in the South would you see this squeezed between the propane tanks and the ice bin...

2005-11-03T21:09:00.000-06:00

Why lions eat their young
My kid passed this little gem on to me. This poor little bastard wouldn't make it past the first minute and ten seconds of this audio. Or however long it took me to walk into the room and grab a large, heavy object.

I think I'm also supposed to warn you, using some dorky internet acronym, that you shouldn't watch this at work, but then, you should be in the shallow end of the pool if you need that warning.

And the Coup de Gras; this kid is nine years-old.

I like my nine year-old with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

2005-10-31T12:30:00.000-06:00

One dark and gloomy evening
Two brothers camping in Northern California begin to hear a sound coming from the woods. It's like a massive expulsion of breath: huge, rough, and gutteral. What quickly becomes disconcerting is that the grunting is now coming from at least three different positions around them. Darrel and his brother Tim quickly center themselves in the middle of their camp, holding their rifles, and waiting. To their left, the brush explodes and a deer is standing in front of them, no more than fifteen feet away. The grunting continues throughout the night, seemingly communicating back and forth. The Trimm brothers and the stag never move from their positions until dawn the next morning.

Cheesman Park in Denver, Colorado is said to be one of the most haunted places in the United States. It used to be a cemetery and the brilliant politicians decided to turn it into a park. They paid a guy $1.90 a body to relocate the remains, but they mostly had children's caskets, so they guy would just cut people up to fit in the caskets. They finally stopped it after much debate and 2,000 graves are still underneath scenic Cheesman Park and everyone agrees that the remaining spirits aren’t happy.

The producer's great idea was to put two college girls in a tent on top of an unmarked grave in Cheesman Park. They lasted about an hour after the sun went down. The best part was that two paranormal goofs were watching them from a distance and they kept telling them that nothing was happening outside their tent. Then, the lamp went out, the compass they were using to test paranormal activity kept spinning out of control, and something kept "touching" them from outside the tent. They broke down in record time and refused to stay the night.

I love this time of year. Halloween may be my favorite holiday, because it's the holiday for the over-active imagination. And TV loves to share in that with great programming you won't see the rest of the year. They break out the ghost stories, UFOs, Loch Ness, and my all-time favorite, Bigfoot. I do have a personal philosophy that protects me from myself though: "If you go out looking for trouble, then eventually, you’ll find it." That’s why I’m completely satisfied watching the young, dumb, and Caucasian go out and find trouble for me. Happy Halloween!

2005-10-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

Maybe they're like Sea Monkeys!
Trent Lott doesn't think of minorities as men or women (see previous entry). Maybe he sees them as their own special little species capable of creating their own little societies and playing on the beach, but thinks of it as necessary to keep them in a "special holding container", for their own good.

I love Sea Monkeys. I just watched a new South Park episode involving Sea Monkeys and it rekindled my love for them as a child. I was one of the morons that ordered them from the back of the comic book. I totally screwed it up.

Okay, I think I just wanted to work Sea Monkeys into a topic, Trent Lott be damned.

2005-10-27T22:26:00.000-05:00

So what are they then?
Trent Lott, (R- Miss.) had this to say about the new potential Supreme Court appointee after Harriet Myers stepped down: "I want the president to look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority..."

2005-10-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

What fantasy character am I?
Elrond (I wasn't guessing this guy)
A stern yet benevolent organizer who often knows best, your wits are keenly fixed on aiding efforts you deem worthy. "Now at this last we must take a hard road, a road unforseen. There lies our hope, if hope it be. To walk into peril to Mordor." Elrond is a character in the Middle-Earth universe. TheOneRing.net has a short biography.

I always want to be the beloved scoundrel, like Han Solo. Or the the wounded loner, like Aragorn. No, I get the elf. I took a different test to find out what D&D character I was: I was a friggin' Neutral Good Bard Elf Ranger. Great, I love music and I'm a defender of nature...how Rogue-ish.

Christian tested as Obi-Wan Kenobi. I was robbed.

2005-10-26T15:58:00.000-05:00

My entire family's made of meat?
Mmm...meat. A friend sent me a wonderful link to Dinosaur Comics. I had seen this site some time ago, but I love being reminded to have fun. Even if it's so obscure that I sometimes don't get it. I love a great T-shirt and this one was probably my favorite. I won't buy any of them because the graphics are just montrously large and offend my sense of design, but they also have stickers. I like stickers. I could live with a sticker.

2005-10-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

This is just a test...
An elephant walks up to a camel. "Why are your boobs on your back?"
And the camel says, "That's an odd question, coming from a guy with a giant penis on his face."

2005-10-25T12:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Ryan, part II,
Saw this and thought of you. I like it it when he starts slapping his head.

2005-10-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

This is where I play...again
I was playing with Google Earth and I looked up my disc golf course, one thing led to another, and I "had" to make this thing.

2005-10-14T15:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Ryan,
I went and played disc golf at Sanders Ferry Park today and shot all 18 holes, with no ankle support. I’m feeling it now, but I wanted to force myself to finish. I took it slow, but I around hole 10, I could have quit and felt okay with my progress. I shot a +9, got two birdies (one shot was a 40’ putt), and had to take two penalty shots. I played both water shots, on holes 14 and 15, and lost a disc on hole 14. I was throwing a 175g XL and got off an unexpectedly good pull and over-shot the water, the trees, and then the parking lot. I was waving at it like crazy for it to fall back into play (it didn’t listen), but I must have put too much Anhyzer on it for it to fight back against the wind. It landed at the rear of some dubious-looking, chest-high weeds, and I just wasn’t up for another Midnight Tick Check, so I donated it to the disc gods. I liked the throw: there was a nice right to left wind, so it probably carried 375’ with a one-step throw. Unfortunately, it was carrying in the wrong direction the entire time. I also pulled off a 400’er with a one-step on hole 8: the boring straight-ahead, open shot with a low hill in the middle that prevents you from seeing the basket.

Interesting finds today: the 150g jelly Storm that I picked up in Bowling Green turns left if I throw it level with any speed, so I have a great turning disc now! It says it’s “stable”, but I had to put tons of Hyzer on it just for it to fly straight. It’s also a first-run, a 150, and I did hit that tree with it, but that was only one time. It shouldn’t be that fragile! I also found a 173g black Buzz sitting on hole 18. Someone must have forgotten it was there and walked away. It’s a collector’s disc from this years' Scottsdale Memorial. It's a crazy little full-color graphic with ducks and a three-eyed fishy! Unfortunately, Mr. Genius wrote his illegible name and number in black ink, on a black disc.

2005-10-10T11:23:00.000-05:00

USA! USA! USA!

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions. -Albert Einstein