The universal sign for dumbass
"What a bunch of jerks." Ryan and I were walking off the last hole of a very boring disc golf course and it was his decisive manner which caught my attention. I'm used to him being generally positive about his disc golf experiences, so this statement caught me rather unawares.

"Who do ya' mean?"

"Those guys. I just waved and said hi and they just totally blew me off without even looking at me."

I told him that I've found most disc golfers exclusive and predominantly, arrogant nerds and just as we were about to launch into a really great rant, Ryan noticed an MP3 player sitting beside a lamppost. I told him it would really suck to lose my MP3 player and he wondered aloud if it might belong to the last group we passed. We didn't like their behavior, but no one deserves to lose their MP3 player. We had already backed out when the group walked up to their cars, so I rolled my window down to yell to them.

They were apparently deaf or incredibly apathetic about talking, choosing to communicate by waving their hands about in a vicious, hurried manner. "I'm such a jerk," Ryan mumbles. "You are," I say, "but what's your point?" "Dude, they're deaf." I could see his reasoning. We had just spent the entire walk to the car casting disparaging remarks to the wind regarding this group and now we find out they're deaf. "Dude, you are a jerk," I say as we both start laughing nervously at our own callousness.

I should have just driven away at this point, but as I watched them pack up their cars, signing to one another the entire time, I started babbling without missing a beat. My hand shoots up and I'm waving and words are pouring from my mouth. Why am I asking this guy if he's lost an MP3 player? He motions to his ear that he can't hear me and I say louder while making the universal hand-cupping motion for headphones over my ears, "Did you lose an MP3 player?" I point to the lamppost and he obediently grabs the MP3 player and starts back towards our truck. I stop him like he's the idiot, waving him off and yelling, "They're not yours?" No, he shakes his head and then it hits me...the entire group is deaf.

I've just asked a deaf man if he's lost his MP3 player.

I can feel my stomach churning with a nauseated embarrassment. I wave to him weakly and mouth that I'm so sorry as I skulk away with my head barely showing over the top of the dashboard of the truck. "I'm the biggest asshole in the world." I hear Ryan's near-hysterical laughter, then I notice that I'm laughing, but it's the laughter of a man who sees the irony of laughter in the face of death, but can't fathom his own demise. It's a fool's laughter and it frightens me, but it feels oddly comforting.I've just asked a deaf man if he's lost his MP3 player.

"Dude, don't sweat it," Ryan croaks out amid his dying laughter, "it's not like he can tell any of his friends about this."

"How do you figure?" I say.

"Get it? He can't tell anyone."

"Your're sooo burning in a special place in Hell for that one."