The First 100 Days
Every president has a rough idea of what they'd like to accomplish in their first 100 days in office. It sort of sets the tone for the following four years and shows the American people what we can expect from the oval office in the way of policy. I had no myopic fantasy that John McCain was ever gonna win that race, so I started brainstorming around August of last year what exactly a Marxist socialist could do in a 100 days to a democratic republic, based on laws and a free market economy. I started jotting down things and looking up quotes. Then, I lost the frigging list and didn't find it again until today, and Holy Schmaholies! A lot of the predictions are already humming right along! I wish I could have started wagering a little in Vegas, because I may as well have some fun and make some cash on the side while we're hurtling towards a dictatorship! I also hadn't put these in any particular order, but I feel like I've let you down by not publishing these sooner. My apologies!

1. Abolish all current immigration laws
"You know where I’m going because you know where I been. I stood up for the issues you care about. Instead of worrying about whether immigrants can learn English, you need to worry about whether your child can learn Spanish." -Barry, July 13, 2008 National Council of La Raza meeting

"Know where I been"? He attended Harvard Law. "Know where I been"? Barry thinks he needs to build his Street Cred before he releases his first CD?

But the general idea is: Release The Floodgates! To borrow a phrase from The '09 Block Party D.C. Edition last week, "Black will no longer have to get on back and Brown can stick around." Aaw shiznit.

2. Nationalize Health Care
This is gonna take a lot to make it happen. Barry's gonna need, psssh...like a TRILLION dollars to make it work and...waaaait a minute. This may be closer to reality than we think! If we can't figure out with this plan how we can bankrupt the country by jacking up everyone's taxes, and driving them into the arms of government-dependent socialism, nothing will. Dare to dream Barry! Dare to dream!

3. Screw it! Nationalize EVERYTHING: Auto, Steel, Health, Banking, Coal, Petroleum, AND Electricity
This must be what it's like to win at Monopoly! Barry's gonna need a goatee, a top hat, and a monacle before this is all over!

"You must be the Monopoly Guy!" -Ace Ventura

"Under my plan of a cap and trade system, electricity rates would necessarily skyrocket even, regardless of whether I say coal is good or bad…" -Barry, radio interview

"So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can. It's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted." -Barry, same radio interview

"This liberal will be about socializing … uh, um, would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies." -Maxine Waters (D) CA, May 23, 2008 Congressional hearing with Shell Oil wanting a guarantee of lower gas prices

4. Create a private army. Okay fine, Civilian National Security Force. Tomato-Tuhmahto.
"We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded." -Barry, July 2, 2008, Colorado Springs, CO

Every future dictatorship needs one, but remember Barry: baby steps. Don't keep bringing it up all the time. People will start paying attention. Focus everyone on the economy and keep throwing Bush's name in there to focus their anger somewhere. And then, just start quietly assembling and recruiting. I'd start with the prisons first. Lotta prime candidates in those places. Also try the inner cities. Lotta disgruntled recruits that'd like to see some "change" take place. Asa lama lakum mah brothah.

"Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny." -Thomas Jefferson

5. Abolish the 2nd Amendment
The day after Barry was elected, gun sales went up 400%. You can't buy that kind of publicity! This one probably needs to be number four. You need to castrate the masses first, before introducing the oppressors. Don't need anybody getting all froggy and thinking they should fight back or start some sort of revolution.

6. Abolish the 22nd Amendment
Term limitations are for pussies! This man has a frigging vision people. Eight years won't be enough for this stud! We need him to guide us out this crazy mess called a democratic republic. We are apparently too frigging lazy to care about the direction of this country. Let someone take the wheel who cares about how we can be ruled. The nice thing is, is that he had people working on getting this repealed before he even took the oath of office. Vision people: get some.

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." -Thomas Jefferson

7. Screw it! Throw out that stupid Constitution and start OVER.
"I think we can say that the Constitution reflected the enormous blindspot in this culture that carries on until this day. And that the framers had that same blindspot. I don’t think the two views are contradictory to say that it was a remarkable political document that paved the way for where we are now and to say that it also it also reflected the fundamental flaw of this country that continues to this day." -Barry, 2001 Chicago Public Radio interview

8. Sell Israel down the river and become Pro-Palestinian
His first official interview as President of the United States is on Al-Arabiya Network addressing the Muslim nations and, gee, Hamas, Al Qaeda, and Hezbollah. Just letting them know he's just like them. "I have lived in Muslim countries. I have Muslim members in my family." Really Barry? You weren't throwing that fact around too much while on the campaign trail. And added later, "There are Israelis who recognize that it is important to achieve peace. They will be willing to make sacrifices if the time is appropriate and if there is serious partnership on the other side."

Oh, and here's the sacrifice: The Saudi Peace Agreement. It restores the pre-1967 borders and splits Jerusalem down the middle. What could be so bad about that you ask? It's one of those The End Is Fucking Nigh kind of Apocalyptical moments, that's all. You can put your head back in the sand now and pretend I just didn't even say this one. Post-Modern Christians don't even believe in this kind of stuff anymore.

9. Drive-Thru Abortion Clinics (This was his first official act!)
You know you're stepping in it when you can make The Vatican come out against you as a world leader. "Among the many good things that he could have done, Barack Obama instead chose the worst," said Monsignor Elio Sgreccia, a top official with the Vatican's Pontifical Academy for Life. "If this is one of President Obama's first acts, I have to say, in all due respect, that we're heading quickly toward disappointment," said Monsignor Rino Fisichella, who heads the Academy. They were referring to something called unofficially, The Mexico City policy. What's that? Time Magazine summarizes it pretty well.

According to Time Magazine: "On the day after the 36th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision, President Barak Obama repealed a Reagan-era policy that prohibited foreign nongovernmental family-planning groups from receiving U.S. funds if they provided abortions or even lobbied for abortion rights in their country."And then there's the brilliant Freedom of Choice Act.

Let's say you're a 15 year-old girl and the Winter Formal is coming next month, but you got knocked up. That perfect dress is getting a little snug? No problem! Don't worry about bothering your parents with all those details or asking permission and facing their judgmental stares. Now, you can just walk in and get an abortion! But wait, there's more!

You're a young on-the-go professional and you've just been offered your dream promotion. Dang it, hold on...you're in your 3rd trimester! That thing will be here any moment and then there's maternity leave, daycare issues, and lactating. Gah. That's so unprofessional! Wait! There's no cut-off on terminating those pesky pregnancies now! Ka-CHING. Don't worry about all the future health complications or what the procedure for a partial-birth abortion entails. You're gonna count back from a hundred and when you wake up that problem will have taken care of itself. Thanks Barry! We've just been FOCA'd over!

10. Close Gitmo!
This was his second official act, but they said it was his first, because no one wants to talk about his real first official act...abortion is a dooownerrr :(

Why wouldn't he close Gitmo? "I've lived in Muslim countries. I have Muslim members in my family." It's really awkward during the holidays, lemme tell ya! So terrorists are just Muslims that need a hug! Internment is no place for them. We'll need to put them someplace more comfy, like minimum-security prisons in our own backyard. Wait, all the experts think that they'll be shanked in the first 24 hours if they're released into General Population. Dang it, then we're gonna have to put them in Solitary Confinement. But that means they'll spend 23 hours a day by themselves and allowed out only one hour a day, and on top of that, they'll have to spend all their time alone and be rationed the least amount of calories possible to keep them alive. Hold on, I'm starting to like this wacky idea! No one understands that the whole torture/humiliating photo thing was like FIVE years ago.

They have The Red Cross, religious services, a sense of community, three square meals a day, and civil law attorneys there now, but don't tell anyone. I'm starting to warm to closing Gitmo. Not to mention, their own countries don't want them back and it's gonna take another year or two before we find a place for all these crazies. You can sign all the papers you want for the cameras Barry, but anyone with half a brain knows how long this logistical nightmare is going to take to straighten out. Please, the military is involved; this could take years.

"I won. I'm the president!" -Barry, January 26, 2009, reminding the House of Representatives, and apparently himself, who he was

Snow Day #4: The Little Things
I was starting to feel useless today. I've had six days off, including the weekend, because of weather and our office move. I still haven't written the greatest novel ever written, nor have I found a cure for cancer, but they're both on my to-do list. I wound up refilling the hand soap dispenser, cleaning my refrigerator, and taking a shower. Strangely, accomplishing these small tasks still made me feel like I had contributed to the sanctity of the universe.

If someone should visit and need to use our restroom, he will find soap at the press of a button. I've run into my fair share of empty hand soap dispensers in private residences and businesses and it's just plain disconcerting and off-putting. What kind of person doesn't see basic hygiene or the comfort of their guest as a priority? It's a cornerstone of a civilized society, a silent agreement we share in our culture, which says, "I've just washed my hands after using the restroom, so you won't have to touch my genitalia." It's an issue of common decency and respect to me.

I cleaned my fridge because it looked as if it had shat itself down the back wall. Every time I opened the door, I imagined the refrigerator looking away awkwardly, embarrassed. It believed it was just going to fart, but it had forgotten it had just eaten Chinese food and Chinese never "agreed" with the refrigerator. I would vindicate the honor of this magnificent beast of burden. It chills my Diet Mountain Dew to perfection and magically crushes my ice just the way I like it without nary a whir or click of protest. I just wished I had done it earlier considering the Beef & Broccoli Debacle had occurred some time around Thanksgiving of last year. I am a benevolent dictator, not necessarily a timely one.

And lastly, the shower: overdue if not just necessary for a full-grown adult male. My son has a couple of female acquaintances and they become braggadocios, to bolster their 'Street Cred' amongst their male peers, and proclaim that they sometimes don't shower for up to three days on long weekends. I liken a teenage girl not showering for three days to a kitten: if you picked either of them up after three days, they'd both still smell like "kitten" and freshly washed bed linen. If I don't shower for three days, I have the carbon footprint of a small African village, which allows their livestock to live in their huts with the family. There are barnacles and mattes of hair, and only razors and the discretionary use wood chisels will remedy this abominable lack of hygiene.

I don't know where the rest of my day will carry me, or what stupendous act of contrition I shall perform for the betterment of all mankind, but I know it shall be with clean hands, an appropriately chilled beverage, and clean heart. Good day to you gentlepeople.

Nice.

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." -Liam Neeson, Taken

This Friday, everywhere. I can't wait.

Obsession.
[uhb-sesh-uhn] 1505–15; L. obsessiōn- (s. of obsessiō) -noun
1. the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

I've lost two weeks of my life and I really don't care. I wasn't doing too much with it anyways. In it's place, I lived a life of amazing adventure and heroic deeds. I bought the world and became a king. What did you do?

Under The Heading
"Discretion is the better part of valor": Covenant School, a private Christian school defeated their cross-town Dallas rivals, Dallas Academy, 100-0 in a recent high school girls basketball game. A parent who attended the game told an AP reporter that Covenant continued to make 3-pointers, even in the fourth quarter. "I think the bad judgement was in the full-court press and the 3-point shots." HAHAHAahahahaaaaa...ya think? They needed to FULL-COURT PRESS this team?

Dallas Academy is a private school that focuses on teaching students struggling with learning issues such as ADD and dyslexia. There's about 20 girls in the entire school and 12 of them play on the team. Boo Covenant, booo.



"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words." -St.Francis of Assisi

Grassroots
"Itatemuhmoney". The phrase caught my attention as I was leaving the gas station and I froze. She said it again before my hand touched the door handle and I almost laughed out loud. "Itatemuhmoney." I knew that it was the black woman in the over-sized satin jacket speaking to the woman behind the counter, because I had seen her when I first entered the establishment.

I had heard this phrase at the bowling alley a week before, but it was much more indignant a tone. The guy behind the counter kept saying the same thing, "There's no refunds. It's posted everywhere. It's policy." Another black woman in an equally over-sized satin jacket, three children in tow, brooding boyfriend hovering menacingly, nodding in agreement to her assertions. She repeated her mantra over and over louder and angrier, "Itatemuhmoney, ItAteMuhMoney, ITATEMUHMONEY." Nothing was resolved, and they wouldn't give her back her dollar. I just wanted to buy another game, but instead I had a flashback to summers filled with Big Red, baloney sandwiches, and the smell of sweaty gymnasiums.

The Boys Club of America in Bryan, Texas in the mid-seventies was black. Black as in: me, another white kid and two Mexican kids were the only non-blacks in a population of about 100 kids who went there to escape the oppression of one hundred degree Texas summers and nagging parents. I learned how to play pool, foosball, and what a prison feeder program could look like if run correctly. No one was ever shanked, but my head was aways on a swivel in that place. Everyone seemed to have an angle and the best one was always, "Itatemuhmoney." Pretend to insert quarter, press a few buttons, find the proprietor, and then begin the mantra until they relinquish you a quarter that you never had in the first place. Socialism at a grassroots level is an education that lasts a lifetime, because I heard it again today on the radio.

If I close my eyes I can hear President Barry beseeching the senate and the house: "itatemuhmoney, itatemuhmoney, itatemuhmoney...".

Thank you Bill for sharing.
Caught this guy on Comedy Network the other night. I TiVo'd it but they're not showing it again. Dang. We share the same social views on population control and the Jimmy The Greek Moments and small talk with Hitler had me on the floor. On You Tube, it's "Bill Burr: Why Do I Do This?". Hi-lair-ee-ose. Oh yeah, for the genius set: don't watch this at work. It's the unrated version.