Blahblahblah...
And right after I tell someone I wouldn't blog or goof off over at MySpace, I start goofing off and blogging. Damn my weak will...ed..ness?

If Elvis jumped off a bridge...
I watched Walk The Line last week, B.C. (Before Cold) and I learned a lot of things about Johnny Cash. I knew he was addicted to prescription medications as Elvis was, but I never knew that it was someone in Elvis' entourage who started Johnny down his road of excess with the all-too-predictable phrase, "Go ahead and try it, Elvis takes them."

Sitting there in the darkness of the theatre in all of my Parental Glory, I realized that I was shaking my head and giving that, "you dumbass" look during that scene.

I highly recommend this film even if you're just fans of Reese or Joaquin. This is easily their best work to date, and I wouldn't be surprised if they walk away with some Oscars for their efforts. It's one of the few movies I'd actually pay to go watch again.

*sniffle*
I hate colds. I just finished my Despondent Day, where I ceremoniously loathe everything: music, movies, light, sound. I don't know if everyone has one of these traditions, but it's now an extended part of my other tradition: being sick on major holidays. There's nothing that says Family Time like three shots of knock-off Nyquil, random consciousness, and pumpkin pie with Cool Whip.

I think I'm still slightly despondent. I'm still loathful, but in a more chipper, hopeful way. Not enough to like like Madonna's new CD, but that would take a couple more shots of knock-off Nyquil. Why are they still letting her make music? Someone wrestle the karaoke machine away from her and put it back in the closet please.

And the best line I heard while knock-off Nyquil induced: "I've heard that black guys can dance."

What?!?

Potter!
Just got home from the new Harry Potter flick. I'm amazed that they keep getting better. Kudos! Five out of five stars!

How much do you love me?
Did you know that if you don't groom a Lab over an entire summer because your ankle is broken, the fur on it's ass clumps? Not from fecal matter, don't be gross. Just from the non-grooming. Fortunately, they make a special "sauce" that you can apply to the clumped fur, sort of like a detangler.

Here's the catch: you will have to stand out in your driveway and massage your dog's ass for five minutes to loosen the fur. Did I mention the area of clumping was on her ass? That wasn't uncomfortable or weird at all.

Labs are also not fond of having garden hose water on a 50 degree day shot in the vicinity of their rectum. They run away very quickly and pull the portable disc golf basket, that you believed would be heavy enough to hold them, onto your head in their hasty retreat.

She rests quietly across the room now on her freshly washed dog pillow, with her newly de-clumped ass fur, without a worry in the world. And I'm still washing my hands every five minutes, trying to get the smell of detangler and dog ass off my hands. That's how much I love you, you bitch.

What a woman
or should I say, "what a disturbing woman".

But I was thinking of you the entire time
I've been goofing off at another site for the past few days, but it's proving to be a total pain to even make this site look presentable. I may actually have to learn some CSS or something. I'll try not to, but I don't think I can prevent it this time. Bah.

I was also at my old site today, but I haven't done anything with it yet, except switch out front pages. I may try to install an online photo album, but that seems like more tedium. Bah, twice in the same spot.

You go Grrrrrrrl!
I went and saw my church compete in a dodgeball fundraiser this weekend and MY GOD, men NEVER get over this sport. Attendance was in the hundreds and those were mostly teams. Still, the best moment of the day involved three young bucks gunning for the last little girl on the other side. What will the petite little thing do?!? Oh I don't know...deftly dodge the first two balls by throwing her body in two diffferent directions at the same time, then spinning on her heel to catch the third ball?

How do you spell "Imasculation"?

"C-h-i-c-k-j-u-s-t-c-a-u-g-h-t-y-o-u-r-b-a-l-l."

It brought the house down. Kudos to the chick.

And to my little fundraising buddies: do this one as quick as you can. The people who ran this thing had no clue how to run a fundraiser. They didn't even charge admission or have a T-shirt to sell. Although, they were smart enough to get the high school gym for free. Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it. They also made it an 18 and over tournament, to avoid all that lame paperwork.

It's okay JJ...
JJ tested as Luke Skywalker on his first try and the creepy elf chick in LOTR on his second try. ouch. That Rory stand-in joke must have hit a little too close to home. The frightening thing is he didn't list what his preference was for me to use...so we're going with the chick! Nah, we'll keep him as Luke.

More frightening, is that Alon swears he knows who none of these characters are, so he won't take the test. I don't know what's weirder: knowing who most of these characters are (I know about 70% of them, some are really obscure) or not knowing any of them. So, he would have us believe he's never seen any Star Wars, Matrix, or StarTrek movies? Dude! Did your parents lock you in a box?!? Are you secretly a Quaker and you're just not telling anyone?

So in his stead, I decide to "drunk test" this. No, I wasn't drinking when I took it (been dry for, oddly, about a year and a half), but I've been drunk enough times to know my stupid decision-making skills while inebriated. I drunk-tested as...Princess Leia. So if I'm the drunk chick at the party, I'm gonna be the hot, drunk chick at the party and be Slave-girl Princess Leia. Because God knows, that was the only time that poor girl was even remotely attractive in that whole series.

And then you say, "You didn't find Princess Leia attractive?" No. Carrie Fisher gives off a drunk, cigarette-hanging-out-of-the-corner-of-her-mouth, abusive, single mom vibe, and her character would have been told, "Hey! You are sooo not cute enough to be this cranky. You will conveniently fit through an airlock."

See below, for updated tally...

Fantasy Character Tally

Update:
Tamara: somehow needed to feel more "special"
Alon: tested out as a Quaker
JJ: still funnier as the chick

Thanksgiving will always be interesting?
I don't know what it says about family dynamics when your family takes a "What Fantasy Character Are You?" test and your son tests as Obi-Wan Kenobi and your wife tests as Anakin Skywalker...holidays will never be boring?

Just keeping the pimphand strong
I took more personality tests. I don't know why. Apparently:

-My inner child is surprised (enjoys many shiney objects!).
-People see me as slow and steady (painstaking and fussy. I've heard that).
-My personality is Rational (logical, creative, and full of...ideas).
-I could not be a US Citizen (I only got 5 out of 10 correct).
-My Pimpname is Pimptastico Pump (I could have told them that).
-The age I act is 23 years old (I still enjoy new experiences).
-I am 60% weird (I'm so weird, I believe I'm normal).
-My Religious Philosophy: Believer (whew, sweating that one).
-My funky, inner hair color is: Red! (passionate, fiery, and sassy!).
-My advanced degree should be a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts).
-I am Rejected Crayon Color: los angeles air brown (I feel special now).
-And amazingly, I can pass eighth grade math in my head! (9 out of 10, guessed on one question).

Welcome to the suck.
Saw the movie, Jarhead. Amazing movie, but definitely not for chicks or the myopically fascist. Jarhead is what happens when you send a bunch of teenagers to war(?), and then have them sit in a waiting room with dust storms for six months. Get used to their stories, this won't be the last one. Did you really think sending your children off to die for gas prices would produce something positive?

When in Rome
I found this on my camera phone the other day while I was stuck in a doctor's office. I had taken it when I moved to Tennessee from California a year and a half ago. Now Fine Redneck Living is just a part of my life. Only in the South would you see this squeezed between the propane tanks and the ice bin...

Why lions eat their young
My kid passed this little gem on to me. This poor little bastard wouldn't make it past the first minute and ten seconds of this audio. Or however long it took me to walk into the room and grab a large, heavy object.

I think I'm also supposed to warn you, using some dorky internet acronym, that you shouldn't watch this at work, but then, you should be in the shallow end of the pool if you need that warning.

And the Coup de Gras; this kid is nine years-old.

I like my nine year-old with some fava beans and a nice chianti.