That's What She Said, also

"You gotta hit this, we're on a schedule."
Stephanie Phillips, said on a bowling night, in a moment of nearing curfew

Is This Irony?
Farted in my car while driving down a highway. Flailing desperately to get the windows open, I didn't know that the high-walled semi-trailer in front of me was carrying about eight million pounds of manure under it's pretty blue tarpaulin. Flailing once more, but this time to reverse the windows, I didn't stop to think at this point I had trapped myself in a cabin full of the most rancid manure I've ever smelled and my meager little fart.

I think I just answered my own question: while this is ironically funny, the humor of the scenario falls more under the category of "Perspective".

That's What She Said

"I'm trying to keep this up without using my hands."
-Christian Passwaters, while putting away groceries

[Blanching, he turns slowly]

"A woman can't lead this country and there sure ain't no nigger smart enough to be president."
-A comment made by a customer while we watched excerpts from the DNC

It's Funny Because It's True
In the spirit of misanthropy, I want to make a T-shirt that says:


I'm farting right now.

I call it The Two-Hour Sleeper
My wife got in my car last week and noted, "It smells like rotten fruit in here". I shrugged, "I ate an apple in here earlier this week. It may have rolled under the seat".

dumbass.

"Toby Keith says he's a Democrat and is impressed by the senator from Illinois. He describes Obama as "the best Democratic candidate we've had since Bill Clinton.""

WHAT? Toby is a democrat? Mr. "Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue" is a Democrat?!?

You are totally getting taken off my MP3 player, dumbass.

Next.

Grandma Was a Pragmatist II
Sorry I was away so long, I rediscovered my guitar and singiiiing AND THE OLYMPICS ARE ON. WOOOOOO!!! My set list:

Honkytonkin', Hank Williams
Honky Tonk Blues, Hank Williams
Hey Good Lookin', Hank Williams
Swinging Doors, Merle Haggard
Love Me Tender, Elvis Presley
Oh Lonesome Me, Don Gibson

These are all songs from my childhood and I cherish all of them. In my pursuit to find all the lyrics and chords (and singiiing), I totally forgot about the answer to the colloquialism:

"Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

We must remember grandma was a pragmatist and I was, and pretty much still am, a dreamer. She was saying that it really doesn't matter if you shit in your hand OR put all your wishes in the other hand, they're both of equal value: nothing. It's not until you choose to DO something with your hopes and dreams that you will find a modicum of happiness. You're pretty friggin' hardcore if you're sayin that to a child. That's why I always liked grandma.

Grandma Was A Pragmatist
My sister and I were unwittingly spoiled little dreamers living in a magical time called the 70's. Grandma Dodson was all of five feet tall and 95 pounds and was born in the early 1900's. My sister and I played in sprinklers and rollerskated as children. Grandma picked cotton throughout her childhood. Her birthday present every year was to get two feet sewn onto her cotton picking bag. It lent her a tad more perspective. We were probably annoyingly whiney little creatures when we'd say things like, "Grandmaaa, I wish weee had bicycles." Grandma would just look at us and say:

"Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I am still a dreamer and a dumbass. It took me 30 years to figure out what the hell she was implying. I'll even give you a shot at this adorable colloquialism. You've got one day to give your best interpretation: discuss.

Oh yeah, thanks grandma.

Why Does My Eye Burn?
Krystal's after bowling Saturday night was too neon, fluorescent, and cold for a hot summer night. The nose pieces on the glasses I was wearing were definitely too small, thin, and sharp. I might have been talking too loudly and the hand gestures which concluded my yarn were definitely too violent. Also, there may have been beer involved in some capacity.

Guy Rule #2
Flipping through ESPN magazine this morning. I know. I am not a huge sports fan, but I LOVE ESPN magazine. It's huge and shiny, has great writing, and thousands of pictures! This particular rant isn't even against them, it's against a "look". The second biggest blight on America, K-Fed, was used as an example of bad baseball cap etiquette.

Maybe he was just raised in a single-parent home with no male role model or never played a sport, but c'mon! It's not even the fact that he leaves the brim of his hat completely flat, which was accurately described as a "Man-Bonnet". He tucks his friggin' EARS inside his cap! It is probably my second greatest pet peeve amongst Guys across the world.

Not unless you're a five year-old wearing your dad's cap, a cancer patient, or a girl should you EVER tuck your ears inside of your baseball cap. It makes it more tolerable if you're a five year-old girl who has cancer, but not much. Ignorance of cap etiquette is no excuse for breaking cap etiquette.

Guy Rule #2: Thou shalt not tuck thine ears into thine baseball cap.

GR#2 (a.) Although, the arching of thine brim is hereby governed by socio-economic and regional preferences and traditions (but if you wanna look like you're wearing a bonnet, knock thine own self out).